Why Christian Pre-marital Counseling?
“Love is long suffering, and is kind; love has no envy, love is
not boastful, love does not behave itself inappropriately, seeks
not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices
not in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all
things, believes everything, endures everything”. 1 Corinthians
13:4-7
These beautiful words hold us to a high standard. That is why it
has been said that before marriage one ought to open our eyes
wide, but afterwards keep them half closed. In order to hold up
this standard, so necessary for a marriage to work, we need to
choose wisely. To decide if you are ready for marriage, you need
to choose someone you can trust, because distrust erodes a
relationship, and so does undeserved trust. You also need to
know what your responsibilities to the marriage partner are so
that you can evaluate yourself realistically. These two things
can be done with the help of pre-marital therapy.
Why do you need Christian pre-marital therapy? The quote above
is from the Bible. The greatest book of love is the Bible. The
book of Luke is considered by many to be the most beautiful book
ever written. The book of Luke, as well as the gospels of
Mathew, Mark, and John, tells how Jesus died to save us - the
believers and now the church- from our sins. “Husbands, love
your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, giving himself
up for it”. Ephesians 5:25. God is the expert, par excellence,
on love.
There is nothing wrong with going to a psychologist, a social
worker, a professional counselor, or a psychiatrist for
pre-marital and marital therapy. In fact I would encourage you
because churches sometimes give only six sessions of pre-marital
couple therapy, or group pre-marital therapy with non
professional married couples as group leaders and this is barely
just enough. Many couples who have received pre-marital therapy
say that it helped them but that they wish they had received
more therapy. There is so much need in the church for marital,
family, addiction, and other kinds of counseling, that there is
not enough pre-marital therapy. I would recommend supplementing
the church’s pre-marital therapy with other pre-marital
counseling.
However, Christian pre-marital counseling adds a dimension that
secular therapies do not usually have. For example, the
Christian counselor advises couples not to have sex before
marriage. In his book on dating, Boy Meets Girl, Pastor Joshua
Harris explains how a manager of a hotel for honeymooners would
run out of activities for the newly married to do. This was
because the now bored couples had pre-marital sex. Whereas,
Joshua and his wife, who did not have sex prior to marriage,
hardly left their room!
In the city where I live there is a saying among the
non-believers. They say that marriage kills sex. But it is not
marriage that kills sex, but pre-marital sex that kills
marriage. I knew of one couple that lived together and had sex
everyday before to marriage. After marriage, the wife confided,
they had sex once a month. It is not worth it to ruin twenty
five or more years of marital sex for one year or even less of
pre-marital sex.
If you are contemplating marriage and you are living together,
you must move apart and stop having sex for a time until you get
married under the guidance of the pastor or Christian counselor.
Physical intimacy is like a battery. It becomes charged with non
sexual activities and gives off energy with sex. Do not skip
that pre-marriage charging time. When thinking about what
pre-marital therapy is, people have different points of view.
One woman tells how she was looking forward to marital therapy
thirty years ago. “I thought that we would receive counseling
courses about marital responsibility, but the entire time, the
courses, which were called ‘marital counseling’, were about
catechism.” She was disappointed as were many people in the
course.
Decades later, now divorced, she expects that marital counseling
should be about what marriage is, what people expect it to be,
and what it will really be like. Dr. Wayne Mack makes a point
that partners differ in expectations and should not wait until
marriage to discuss these differences.
Dr. Nancy Alvarez, secular psychologist and sexologist says that
some men want marriage with weekends off. That means they spend
weekends drinking with their male friends as if they were
single, instead of being with their wife. Obviously, that does
not work out. Couples should also discuss why they are in love
with one another. It has been observed that some people become
happy when they hear why their betrothed wants to marry them,
others become angry.
It is certainly natural for a marital counselor to talk about
spiritual intimacy. In the book, The Five Love Needs of Men and
Women, Christian marital experts Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
explain how there are two kinds of intimacy in marriage,
physical and spiritual. Differences in religion could lead to a
lack of understanding and different values. But not everything
is religion.
Counselor Grisel López of El Sendero de la Cruz Christian Church
in Puerto Rico explains that even in the case that the couple is
of the same religion, some couples do not have compatibility of
ministries. For example, if both are church leaders, and one
sings in the altar and the other preaches, they are compatible.
But if one is training to be a foreign missionary and the other
is a pastor of a local church, then one of the two will have to
give up his or her dreams for the success of the other, because
they can not make both dreams come true and live together
happily at the same time.
She adds that even church leaders, who know the Bible in
general, still need pre-marital counseling. Some churches do not
require pre-marital counseling for church leaders because the
leaders know Christianity well, yet the divorce rate for
Christians is about the same as for non-Christian marriages.
According to Dr. Wayne A. Mack, some of the things covered in
pre-marital counseling are relations with in-laws, making a
budget together, comparing differences in the way each one
expresses love, good communication (a factor in most marital
problems), and conflict resolution. It is important to plan
ahead how you will approach problem solving, not waiting for the
problems to begin and then start by seeking marital therapy.
This is because there will be problems anyway so reducing their
volatility will prevent bad memories that are hard to forget
later.
Dr. Mack’s workbook, Preparing for Marriage God’s Way, can be
used both in addition to marital therapy, (or independently, for
those persons who live in areas where there is little
availability of Christian pre-marital therapy). Two copies of
the workbook are used. Each member of the couple reads and fills
out the answers individually. Then the couple meet and discus
their answers together. Mack suggests they can make note of
significant differences and seek therapy for those issues as
well.
Pre-marital counseling can be fun also. You get to take
personality tests with your betrothed, learning more about each
other in the process. Or it could lead to more deeper and
interesting conversations to talk with your loved one. Some
people think they already know each other well. But even people
who have been married twenty years face surprises.
You should also find out some of your betrothed’s faults in the
process. There may be faults that you understand about, this is
called unconditional love. But there could also be faults that
you do not tolerate. Some things are not negotiable like giving
little importance to fidelity. Others might not matter to one
husband, for example, that his future wife likes a relaxed style
of housekeeping, as long as she is a business woman, but it
could matter a lot to another man. Counselor Grisel López
teaches that the best way to find your ideal love is to tell the
truth about how you are so you can find someone who will be
happy with you instead of turned off. If you do not reveal your
faults you will not know if it is safe to relax your guard with
your betrothed and find the joy of being loved as you are.
Joshua Harris’ book, Boy meets Girl; Dr. Wayne Mack’s workbook,
Preparing for Marriage God’s Way; and Dr. Gary and Barbara
Rosberg’s book, The Five Love Needs of Men and Women; are
available in English at the author’s Christian Bookstore link
Important Questions for Couples
http://wmamiga.couples.hop.clickbank.net