Students Of Success

Winston Churchill wrote that after he died and arrived in Heaven he would like to spend a good deal of his first million years painting. I’m no artist, except with the BS perhaps, so after I die I think I would like to spend a good deal of my first million years dancing Rock ‘n’ Roll.

But just what will Rock ‘n’ Roll be like in Heaven? Perfect, of course. To begin with I will have a perfect partner who loves to dance with me only and gets it right 100 percent of the time. She will dress to perfection at all times, be great to look at, great to talk to and she will never get tired, never have a headache, never get sore feet, never be late and certainly never fail to show up. She will give me judicious breaks from dancing while she chats with her girlfriends, during which time I can try out some possible replacements for the future and she won’t mind a bit.

The lighting will be romantic and the air will be clear since all the smokers will have gone to the other place. The temperature in the moderate-sized room will judiciously adjust itself to my body temperature at any given moment.

The dance-floor will be large but not too large because the place will have atmosphere. Lets say around 150 square metres. It will always be in perfect condition, automatically polishing itself every twenty-four hours (if they have such a thing as hours in Heaven). You might think that I would want the dance floor to myself and my perfect partner (as we all do) but actually, no! I would like to share it with four or five other couples who all keep at least three metres away from me at all times and whose dancing all looks positively amateurish compared to my partner and I. This is to make us look good in the eyes of the gawking crowd who sit watching mesmerised as we dance, wishing to God they could dance like we can. But since this is my Heaven God won’t be granting them their wish.

For music there will be a live band (if you can call it that since we’ll be no longer of this Earth) who do requests upon demand (mine, of course!). They will consist of a four-piece backing combo who continually rotate unfaltering lead vocalists (Elvis, Bill Halley, Buddy Holly, etc). They will play long sets and take short breaks - just long enough for me to have a quick refreshment, sit and chat for a while with my horde of admirers and visit the boys’ room if required. During the band breaks a DJ will also play requests just for me and me alone.

Drinks will be free, delivered immediately by my own private, very cute and very friendly barmaid. Needless to say, no-one will take drinks anywhere near the dance-floor because in this place everyone is totally conscientious.

Yes, I can just see it all now. Its Rock ‘n’ Roll Dance Heaven in every way …..

Suddenly I feel three prongs of burning pain in my back as the temperature increases by 1000 degrees centigrade. I turn to face a slobbering apparition with horns, cloven hoof and a pointy tail prodding me with a trident. I enquire if this not-so-gentleman hasn’t lost his way, since this is Heaven. He replies with a harrowing, fiendish laugh that he’s the owner of this particular place and isn’t Heaven at all. I ask where we are and he advises that the venue is called Club Super-Selfish. He explains that this is an entry examination to you-know-where for dancers and I’ve just passed with flying colours! My perfect Heaven vanishes and its getting hotter and hotter. It appears that Hell is where Rock ‘n’ Roll dancers who want it all to themselves get sent. Selfish people don’t go to Heaven.

I am awoken from my reverie by a solid thump in my back as another dancing couple crashes into me on the postage-stamp-sized dance-floor. More bruises. The temperature increases by 1000 degrees centigrade, or so it feels. The air-conditioning in the crowded, noisy, smoke-filled pub isn’t coping with the mid-summer heat. My partner, who arrived late after a hard day has sore feet and a head-ache. She wants to sit down. The singer misses another note, the band is soon going to break after playing barely half a bracket and there’s no music in the break to dance to. No matter, the couple in the glittering, flashy clothes are making me look silly anyway. I can’t get a drink because they’re six-deep at the bar but if I slurp up a fraction of what gets slopped on the dance-floor I’ll be well inebriated.

Back to the real Rock ‘n’ Roll Hell!

But if this is Hell, why am I here? The answer is simple. Because I love Rock ‘n’ Roll dancing. Its a community activity and unfortunately people weren’t all born to suit my personal satisfaction. Everyone is here to enjoy themselves however they can doing whatever that amounts to. A bit more common sense at times certainly wouldn’t go astray and a few dancers ought to be told where to go. For me, however, this really is Rock ‘n’ Roll Dance Heaven even if it feels a bit like Hell at times. I love the music, the dancing, the venues and the people even with their faults. I could happily spend a million years right here doing what I enjoy the most.

Gareth Eastwood is a Rock ‘n Roll dance instructor and enthusiast in Adelaide, South Australia. He maintains a recently created website, http://www.rocknrolldance.com/ in which he repeatedly stresses the need for dancers to be gentle with each other rather than dancing roughly. When fully developed the site will feature articles by numerous authors detailing dance styles and reporting on events.

He also created and manages Going Places With Gareth, a gigantic singles social network revolving around a long-established website http://www.garethevents.info/ The network has been operating since May, 2000. Since then over three and a half thousand people have become involved in it to some degree.

In the kingdom of childhood relationships, Gary carried the mantle of authority and leadership amongst the children of the block. He was fond of seeing how far he could stretch his rule, and testing to see how devoted the little people of this territory were to his suggestions, no matter how ridiculous the request. Gary had a real knack for convincing others to do stupid things, while making it seem like a perfectly reasonable suggestion. One afternoon, while playing in the back yard, a neighbor boy named Steve, noticed the nice ripe patch of black raspberries growing beside the garage. Unfortunately, Steve happened to mention to Gary how much he loved raspberries, which instantly provided an opening for exploitation.

“Oh, you like raspberries a lot?” asked Gary, sinking in the hook.

“I love ‘em! They are my favorite fruit. Can I pick some?”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” replied Gary, as he cooked up his plan, “These are some pretty special raspberries, and my parents don’t like us to pick them. I suppose I can let you have a few of them, but if I’m going to risk getting into trouble for picking raspberries, I want you to help me with a little experiment.”

Having been duped many times before, Steve was suspicious, “Experiment? What do I have to do?”

“Your part is easy,” said Gary with confidence in his voice, “I’ll pick the raspberries, and all you have to do is let me see if I can flick them down your throat without touching your tongue. Do we have a deal?”

Steve thought for a moment, trying to figure the odds of this experiment going right with each attempt. He was not sure about the consequences, but his love for raspberries tilted the decision in favor of going through with the experiment. After Steve agreed to participate in the “experiment,” Gary went to work in harvesting a select handful of ripe berries.

Before the experiment began, Gary explained the parameters to Steve, “All right, my task here is to try to flick these berries down your throat without touching your tongue. If I miss, you are allowed to chew up the berry before you swallow it. Do you understand the rules?”

“Yes,” Steve answered, nodding his head.

“Okay. Open your mouth; now stick out your tongue as far as you can. Tilt your head back a little. There! That’s perfect. Ready?”

“Uh huh.”

Using an adept thumb in an action much akin to shooting marbles, Gary began flicking his handful of raspberries down Steve’s throat with excellent marksmanship. As each berry hit the back of his throat, Steve made a pronounced “Goom!” sound as he swallowed the fruit without being able to chew it at all. As the pile of precious fruit began to dwindle, Steve started to lament how successful the flicking experiment had turned out to be. When Gary reached the last berry in his hand, Steve closed his mouth, rubbed his throat, and raised an index finger in a point of protest.

“Please, do you mind if I taste just one?”

“Well…Okay; here you go, Buddy,” replied Gary with the magnanimous benevolence that only a true leader can display. He handed Steve the smallest berry from the bunch, and ensured himself a place as ruler of the kingdom for the times yet to come.

John Dir
Director of Software Concepts
BHO Technologists - LittleTek Center
Teaching computers to work with people. We make software more fun for everyone. Stop by for a visit to our web site, and see what a difference ITL technology makes!
HTTP://home.earthlink.net/~jdir

Armed with an business idea, the basic questions must be asked. “Is there a market for my product or (service), and can it support me?

Finding the answers means that you will have to do some Market Research to define the size of this market, it’s area and develop whether a need or wants exists. You can then assess if you are able to generate enough profit to make a living. You will also have to find the answers to these 2 questions:

ØWho the competition is

ØWhat is different about your product

Wanabee entrepreneurs often say “I’m not trying to make a lot of money, just to cover my costs of living”

What they don’t realise is that they will discover that it’s very hard to make the sales – far tougher than they probably anticipated. And that’s just the offline world.

What about the online world then? That’s just as tough. Cheaper, but tougher because of the millions of websites all competing for that piece of the pie.

But to succeed, you need a great product. This means that market research needs to be done.

Your Market Research needs to find out:

ØIs the market actually interested in this product
ØIs the price about right
ØAnd thirdly, how many will you sell

Before officially launching a new product or making improvements to an existing one, you need to know it’s potential sales volume before any resources devoted to it, are not wasted in a unplanned attempt to find a substantial enough market for it.

The activity used to establish whether customers might buy, is called market research.

There are 2 types:

(A)Desk Research

This is about researching any past records on matters relating to the proposed venture. This kind of information can be gathered from publications, the internet and the trade publications of competitors, to give you indication of popular trends.

(B)Field Research

This involves active fieldwork – interviewing potential customers, preparing questionnaires and getting them filled out by the public at arranged events, and always by selected target groups known as ‘segments’.

These segments of the population may carry out tests oranswer questions on a certain topic.

A good questionnaire will:

ØAsk questions which relate direct to information needs
ØBe brief
ØNot ask personal questions
ØQuestions are asked in a logical order

To help interviewers operate a questionnaire, sometimes a prompt card is used. This means that if several or all the questions have the same range of set answers, they can be numbered and the respondents answers can be recorded as numbers.

Marketing

Okay, I wish to discuss the subject of Marketing first, as it’s tricky to get right, and most people DO get it wrong.

In my opinion, there are way too many internet ‘experts’.

ØMost are self appointed, as the ease of the web allows anyone to set themselves up as one.

You never truly know who you’re dealing with, so please be careful.

Let’s get through what marketing actually is. “Marketing is the anticipation and fulfilment of a consumer need – profit.”

Fulfilment could mean anything, and as far as the web is concerned – it does. It could be to write and post an article, but whether that satisfies a need, only the customer can decide that one.

The implication of Marketing is that for any company to pursue it’s objectives and generate a profit, it needs to find out what it’s customers want to buy and then simply meet those needs.

In order for you to be successful - You MUST build up a profile of customers:

ØWhat they want to buy

ØWhen they want to buy it

ØWhat they do

ØWhen and why they do it

In a nutshell, what will encourage them to buy or use your product. You have to study their habits and motivations. That will give you the Gold, so to speak!

This is what all that Market Research is for – to give you that information.

Understanding Customer Behaviour

This is so important! The customer IS king, so we need to understand the thinking behind a purchase decision, then and ONLY then can we sell effectively thus (hopefully) satisfy that need and want.

Which is your main Goal.

Buying Decisions

Buying goods or a service is not as simple as you may think. Customers do not make purchases without thinking about their requirements, well some don’t think when buying off the net – that’s for sure.

An organisation that understands why customers make these decisions, who buys, what they buy and how they pay, can design products to attract the attention of consumers, (but not all necessarily do cater for customer needs) – but do become profitable from it.

Social factors as a trigger to buy

Developers, manufacturers, and distributors of products must be interested in what makes people buy. And that is Motivation.

Abraham Maslow, a psychologist educated at Brandeis University, created a hierarchical picture of human needs. Motivation, is related to purchasing intent, and has a major effect on why and what people are buying for.

Hunger – we need food

Warmth – buy clothing

Protection – could mean that person wants a pension

Social – anything from buying because of ‘acceptance’ to meet peer pressure etc

Self-realisation – full personal development, the want to own a business etc

Maslow’s system is easy to perceive as different products relate to the single needs easily.

The Marketing Environment

Responsibilities and Customers

Any product or service that is provided to the market must meet certain standards of quality. Some of these standards are set up by law, some are industry standards and others by businesses.

Before the 1960’s, customers had little protection under law, and this seems to have transferred to the internet, where there are few laws nor the manpower to police this vast matrix of computers.

Most buyers are forced to use their own common sense when deciding if something is a scam or not. The Latin expression caveat emptor – “let the buyer beware” – applies much these days.

The UK legal system exists and is supposed to provide a means of settling disputes – but I feel they have their work cut out for them regarding the internet.

What kind of disputes do we look out for?

Goods not matching descriptions. Goods not matching the descriptions in advertisements or on the packaging, and is illegal and comes under The Trades Descriptions Act

The product description forms part of the contract that a buyer has with the seller. So any description HAS to be accurate by UK law. Terms like shrinkproof, IF USED, must be Genuine, and MUST do what it claims to do…….

And that’s Law.

So if a info product makes the claim in writing on a web page (which is a publication), that if you follow the directions stated, you will get 1 million visitors to your website without paying a dime in advertisement – if you follow this advice, and it doesn’t give you your visitors, then you should be able to sue for a refund.

Which brings us on to another type of dispute – Misleading Offers

Consumers can easily be misled by offers, bargains and rights concerning sales products. This interestingly, also concerns Breach of Contract, if the supplier fails to deliver in some way.

This is common of the internet info products area, and is an issue that isn’t going to be resolved for a long time – I feel.

Onwards and Upwards……….

Market Segmentation

Instead of trying to serve everyone (too big a market to take on) most marketers focus their efforts on different needs or wants of consumers.

Within this market-place it is possible to split people into groups (market segments) so different marketing strategies, forms of advertising etc – can be used. If you try to market a single product to the entire population – you just aren’t going to satisfy everybody. The product will be wrong for most people being targeted. And can be a massive waste of ad costs as well.

Marketing to all, is known as ‘Marketing by blunderbuss’. Firing shots that will spread out towards the whole market place, will just hit everyone – and you don’t want that, when you need to be selective! Being selective with your advertising, will produce the best savings and get the attention of the correct customer.

A rifle with an accurate (targeted) sight will hit the target (consumer) more efficiently, without wasting ammunition (ad budget).

Now, we’ll take a look at the Marketing Mix.

*Marketing Mix *

You should be using this method – if you want to plan what you are doing, and if you want to be successful.

The ‘mix’ is just your marketing strategy – that’s all. It should be made up of these parts though:

oProduct

oPrice

oPlace

oPROMOTION

But let us deal with promotion, as that’s probably what you want to know about.

Today the exchange of information takes place through media, people search for this information, so advertisers place theirs on carefully selected websites etc. The web is such a network., and network of communication is essential for promotions. And that is what you should be focussing on.

Highly popular websites.

Advertisements

You have a product, you now need to advertise it – and get it in front of an audience. This is done through proper advertising methods.

Advertisements are simply messages designed to inform, and influence certain groups (remember segments?) and this will give you the best chance of selling it to them.

A space is paid for in a publication, for a limited period of time (3 months etc), and the message is made up of words, colour, use of images and sound – to attract potential buyers.

* please note that it’s the ‘ad space’ you are paying for – not the results! But it’s in the interests of the publisher to make their medium popular, so that you get some kind of result. And the type of Medium you choose will determine the QUALITY and quantity of your result.

But you need to have advertising or people will not necessarily find you…..

At the heart of advertising lies the clues of where the interests of consumers lie, and how they will respond to different messages. Good copywriting is important, and believe it or not, customers actually like being sold to.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Christopher is a Sales Promotion Expert and owner of Busigen.com - an Office directory portal that holds company information to do with an Office environment

Right after the president won his re-election bid for the White
House, he made an interesting comment. He said he was going to
spend his “political capital” wisely.

At first, I did not understand what he was talking about, but
then I began to think about it. All his work in getting
re-elected won him a certain amount of influence with the people
who helped re-elect him.

I never thought of it that way. But it got me thinking about my
own situation, so I began evaluating my capital. It certainly
wasn’t in my checkbook.

Although I have lots of checks remaining, the bank insisted I
didn’t have any capital in my account. According to the bank,
the only capital I had was in my name.

As I dug around in my life, I discovered I did earn capital and
I needed to figure out how to spend it wisely.

The capital I’m talking about is my “ailment capital.” My recent
illness, which necessitated me going to the hospital, certainly
had earned me some spendable capital. The more I thought about
it, the more excited I became, almost like putting on a pair of
trousers and finding a $20 bill in the front pocket.

I was anxious to begin spending my “ailment capital.” After all,
my illness had cost me quite a bit and represented a major
investment on my part. So now, I intended to get some payback.

My first plan of action was to tell people about my illness. I
had rehearsed my story and knew it well. However, it was then I
ran up against a block wall. It rather caught me off guard, if
you know what I mean.

The first person I met set my plan into action. Carefully I
introduced the subject of my stay in the hospital. Much to my
bewilderment, they immediately began postulating on their recent
visit to the hospital. According to them, their stay in the
hospital was much more serious than my stay in the hospital.

I slipped into the conversation, when I had the chance, that I
experienced the worse headache while in the hospital.

“Headache?” They almost shouted to me. “You talk about
headaches. I had such a severe headache that the nurse gave me
enough pain killer to put 12 elephants out of their misery, and
it never even touched my headache. The doctor told me that it
was the worst headache he had ever seen in his entire life.”

When they took a breath, I jumped in and mentioned how high my
temperature was.

“High-temperature? You talk about high-temperature; my
temperature was so high they had to put me in a tub of ice cubes
for three days before my temperature even came down. The nurse
told me that it was the worst case of high-temperature she had
ever seen in her life.”

By this time, I was becoming a little discouraged and wondered
if I would ever be able to tell my story. Then I had a brilliant
idea. I mentioned that while in the hospital I suffered a severe
case of diarrhea. I could not imagine anybody trying to upstage
someone with diarrhea. Boy, was I wrong.

“Diarrhea? Did you say diarrhea?” I slowly nodded my head in the
affirmative.

“When I was in the hospital I had such a severe case of diarrhea
that I stayed on the toilet for 30 days without getting up. My
doctor told me it was the severest case of diarrhea he had ever
read about.”

By this time I despaired ever cashing in any of my “ailment
capital.” It seems such a shame for all that capital to go to
waste. I thought I should give it at least one more try.

Refusing to quit just yet, when the next lull in the
conversation came I was ready.

“When I came into the hospital,” I chirped enthusiastically,
“the doctor thought I was having a heart attack …”

“Heart attack? Did I hear you talk about having a heart attack?
Three years ago, they rushed me to the hospital because I was
having a real heart attack. The ambulance driver didn’t think he
would get to the hospital in time.”

If I thought he was done with this story, I thought wrong.

“My heart attack was so bad I had 17 bypasses. And it was so
serious that when the heart surgeon opened up my chest my heart
attacked him.”

I gave up. It’s a wise person who knows when he’s been beat —
and I’ve been beat.

“My doctor said,” this person continued despite my obvious
disinterest, “that my heart attack was the worse heart attack he
had ever heard of in all the years of practicing medicine.”

I suppose I’ll have to bank my “ailment capital” and save it for
a rainy day. Or at least, when I can find some unsuspecting
person to tell my story to.

For me, the worst thing in the world is having something
exciting to talk about and no audience eager to listen.

I must confess being a little discouraged when a thought hit me.
I do have an audience.

The Bible declares, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing
by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests
be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all
understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ
Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7 KJV.)

No matter what is on my mind at any time of the day, I have
access to the greatest ears in the world. By pouring out my
heart to God, He replaces it with peace. What a great deal.

Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005

THE TWISTED-TONGUE TOURNAMENT

– Or, Calling All Weird-Word Whizbangers! –

By Adrian Air-of-Sleet, a pleasure-seeking, mandolin-playing, maroon-hairpiece sort of fellow who enjoys Italian weddings, spelling bees, and the Calgary Stampede

While I was perusing several dog-eared magazines hanging from the racks of a 24-hour convenience store in the middle of a peculiar place named Billy Butts Pond, my enlightenment bulb went off.

Curious as to why this power of positive thinking outage had occurred, I put on my think-and-do cap in order to gain a new perspective on this perplexing problem.

I ascertained from the rather bleak-looking Canadian landscape around me that this ghastly glitch probably had something to do with being shipwrecked on a prominent piece of geography, (affectionately known as “The Rock”). Situated smack dab between the Gulf of St. Lawrence and the Atlantic Ocean, the province of “Newfoundland”, (as it’s called by folks “from away”), is home to a few fishy characters who reside in odd outposts of humanity such as Ass Hill, Bareneed, and Dildo.

Now I know what it must have been like to live as my Celtic ancestors must have done in the “Dark Ages” …you know… no flipping access to the Internet, i-pods, and personal digital assistants, not to mention vampire video games and vapid virtual reality TV shows.

With precious little to do while waiting for Godot to show up, I decided to organize and host a “Twisted-Tongue Tournament” for the locals and any aliens who happened to be in the vicinity.

The purpose of the challenge was to light a fire under everyone. Well come to think of it, by asking them to consider pairing animal names with human characteristics in order to give birth to a new set of beasts, we had the makings of party which “Newfies” adore as I found out. (This seemed like a good idea at the time, as there was no zoo let alone any pet-friendly, non-pooping, robotic animals in the blinking place).

So here are a few of the submissions received by the judges:

Bedspring Peeper – a naughty tree toad that refuses to turn into a Prince at midnight

Boo-Hoo Gnu – an ugly, unhappy ungulate that doesn’t stand a hope in hell of retiring to a stud farm thank you very much

Buffelope – a bare essentials, breast-beating beast with no hang-ups about the naked truth (see Scantelope)

Botchfly – a stout, hopelessly clumsy, winged creature that has difficulty with takeoffs and landings

Bush-Twit – a timid Texan titmouse

Chumpanzee – not your average high-flying jungle bunny

Cramanatee – a gormandizing golf-ball eater that lives in well-manicured lawns full of little holes with flagpoles sticking out

D’orca – a fashion-conscious killer whale

Ficklefish – a two-timing Piscean with an unhealthy attachment disorder

Gemsbloke – a large, young buck with lots of bling bling

Gussy Uppy – a gold-plated guppy that adds a little sparkle to any boring aquarium tank

Hypopotamus – a short-legged, thick-skinned, under-performing vegetarian with limited bench-pressing abilities

Jokel – An Old World dog with a wicked sense of humor and lots of tricks up his sleeve

Kingflasher – a big name bird whose crests and crowns never quite cover his breast and tail discretely

Mongooser – a flat-witted, feisty-footed, posterior-pinching paramour of unknown origin

Pantelope – a graceful, butt-crack beast that lives in elevators and rides a bike to work

Pottypus – a toilet-trained, duck-billed devil from Tasmania

Scantelope – a fleet-of-foot, bare-all buxom beast (whose revealing exploits are chronicled in the best-selling naturist book, “What Really Went On Behind the Scenes in the Garden of Eden”)

Screech fowl – a breath-taking barnyard beast that hasn’t learned when to keep his/her trap shut

Screwupworm – a two-winged whimsical creature that nuzzles in the nostrils of nobodies as lackadaisical larva do, and then promptly engages in some serious botching activities (often with incredibly bewildering if not totally blundering results)

Scuzzard – a dirty, contemptible, shabby-looking vulture with a bad case of halitosis (but good enough to grab the spotlight as the mellow muddle-headed mascot on a u-brew beer label)

Slack Widow – a spiteful, supine, and very venomous Old World Spiderwoman

Springblotch – a clean, youthful, four-footed freak of nature that makes a mess of everything

Swelldish – a pleasant-looking puffer that makes one blush at first glance and then blurt out some silly stuff that one later regrets

Swilldebeest – a swashbuckling species that rarely count its drinks and eats freely, greedily or to excess if given the least opportunity

Titter Sucker – a boisterous bawling bird with a tipsy tongue (commonly found in Canadian wet bars)

Too-Too Titi – a la-di-da little scamp with three redeeming characteristics: a long tail, hairy underarms, and a penchant for communal living

Whopping Crane – a large, white, nearly extinct American bird with a long neck that beats its breast to patriotic tunes, flaps its wings to intimidate scarecrows, and yells “Cowabunga” at the top of its lungs for no apparent reason at at all

Willeye – a good-natured, willing-ready-and-able creature that spends most of its futile life swimming blissfully around in something called “quality-improvement circles”

So, if you end up in a hole-in-the-wall-place and lose your power of positive thinking – don’t forget to organize a titillating twisted-tongue tournament. It’ll do wonders to motivate the mummers, bring out the wonky wordpeckers who inhabit every nook and cranny, not to mention extend a warm welcome to some very odd-ball strangers.

About the Author

Adrian Air-of-Sleet is a casual conundrum in the Court of the Quipping Queen http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com/ where he shares his vacuous thoughts with other arcane members of society.

After analyzing over 17,000 Dutch men and women, researchers recently concluded that those who drank seven or more cups of coffee a day were half as likely to develop type 2 diabetes than those who drank two cups or less. The study was led by Rob van Dam while at the Dutch National Institute for Public Health and Environment in Bilthoven. Order another espresso for Mr. von Dam, please, while I finish my double cappuccino and expound on the array of knowledge learned from my bottomless-cup-of-coffee:

Good friendships are like good coffee; strong, stimulating, and addictive.

Coffee is a comfort food in nearly every culture. Therefore, travel the globe, drink espresso, and make international friends. Do your part for world peace.

Sleep is a side effect of caffeine deprivation. Drink coffee now.

Always tip generously at the coffee counter. They’ll remember you … it matters.

There is no morning without that first cup-of-joe.

Hot coffee and cold cream are good for you. My 100-year-old grandmother says so.

If you ask, “coffee, tea, or me?” be prepared for the response: “a double, skim, with extra foam.”

Decaffeinated teas and sodas may well have their merits, decaf coffee has none.

The glass half-empty or half-full question is ridiculous. Never drink coffee from a glass!

Lovers, desserts, coffee … indeed many things are better rich.

Given enough coffee, I conspire to rule the world.

Any romance begun in a coffee shop stands a chance of success; you are presumably both sober and the lighting is better than in a bar.

© Deb Voss Quail and Roxanne Vincent

About the Author

Deb Voss Quail and Roxanne Vincent are coffee buddies and business partners. Reach them via their web site at http://www.vvvinsights.com.

It is well documented that too much gas can be detrimental.

• Gas can cause severe stomach cramps.
• Certain gases can be harmful to the enviroment.
• Other gases can consume oxygen, and basically “smother” you.
• Particular diets can be related to gas.
• Heavy gases can even cause back ache, lumbago, shoulder injury, etc..

  You can check the following image links which may help you determine whether you actually have gas, or not.

  Lots of gas

  Unusual gas symptoms

  Exactly the right amount of gas

  About the Author

  Mixedlexia is an “Expert” columnist with TheTrivialTimes.com

Have you ever had egg and red beet root on your hamburger?

I haven’t… in fact, when I pulled the top of the bun off my burger at “Hungry Jack’s” and saw not the usual pickle, onion and special sauce, but beet root and a fried egg, you could have picked my chin up off the floor with a spatula.

HOW in the world does anybody eat egg and beet root on ahamburger?

I looked around the hamburger shop and realized that other people were eating egg on their hamburgers too… and to them it seemed quite normal.

Then I looked around the restaurant a bit more and realizedthe “Hungry Jack’s” is actually “Burger King” (minus the”King”).

On the way back to the hotel we stopped at Starbucks and I ordered a “venti half caf” (translation “large half regular half decaf”).
My ability to order at Starbucks is one o f the few things I do in life that makes me feel “hip” and cool. So I gave my order with my usual style and flair, and the girl looked at me and said “Excuse me?”

So, realizing that my American accent was probably getting in the way (it’s my turn to be the one who “talks” funny), I told her again - “Venti half caf”.

She looked at me for another minute and shook her head. She actually looked a little helpless with this foolish American standing in front of her.
So, I explained, “I want a large half regular, half decafmixed together. “A look of understanding instantly washed over her face and she looked at me and said ” You want a ‘weak’ coffee.”

This morning I went to Krispy Kreme and, after help withthe translation from a very patient lady behind thecounter, we figured out I wanted a “flat white” and Terri wanted a “flat black” coffee.

The Australians have demonstrated enormous patience with me and their hospitality has been truly incredible!! One of the amazing things that’s happening to me (right now, this very minute), is that since I’ve been thrown so far out of my comfort zone and familiar surroundings that my mind is absolutely on fire with possibilities, ideas,and new patterns of thinking.

I wanted to share with you some of the more interestingthings I’ve seen and noticed here in (Sydney):** “Relax Mate” **People are a lot more laid back here. We’re staying in the largest city in Australia, and people are still laid back and seem more relaxed than I’m used to in my own life in “small town” America.

What it’s made me realize is that you can still succeed and you don’t have to be stressed out all the time!

I’m going to take a little of this relaxation home with me!

** The Fighting Father **
I met one of the most unique, colorful, caring, and just plain “cool” people I’ve ever met in my life, Father DaveSmith. Father Dave is the pastor of an inner-city church who does youth outreach through a boxing program and other innovative programs.

Father Dave is a model of innovation, purpose and thinkingin non-traditional patterns to accomplish your objectives. He’s reminded me that thinking “outside the box” combined with a clear and congruent purpose in your life can overcome basically any obstacle that may come your way.

Bottom Line: you’re never defeated until you admitdefeat… and a strong purpose (WHY) will overcome ANY”problem” that pops up.

As an added bonus, I got to stand on the “widow’s walk” of Father Dave’s house and see a gorgeous panoramic view of Sydney, the Harbor and surrounding area you could never buy… one of the true rewards of new found friendship. In the end, all you have is not the money you make, but the impact you have on other people’s lives and the friendships you create.

** The Scenery Might Change, But People Are the Same **

People are the same everywhere when it comes to human behavior and how they want to be treated. I’m at a seminar where people paid thousands of dollars to attend… but even if they only spent $29, they all WANT the same things:- They want you to tell them the straight story with no bullshit.

- When you talk to them, they want you to be yourself… your genuine self… with no airs, pretending, or trying to be something you’re not.-

Manners still count… “please” and “thank you” can literally carry you around the world.-

STOP and THINK before you talk (especially if you’re tired) and always be careful of other people’s feelings.-

Understand that when you sell somebody something on the Internet, they are a real person… not “just” another sale. They have hopes, dreams, concerns, desires, and things that are important to them. You can NEVER, under any circumstances, betray that trust. -

Integrity is everything… and once that trust is gone, you can never get it back.

** Love People! **
If you’re just on the Internet to make money and not tohelp people, your career online will be short-lived, if it ever gets off the ground at all. I heard a saying from Chris Bloor (a famous marketer based in Australia). In his speech he said “Even a dog knows ifyou don’t like it!

“How I took that was very simple… if you are just out to fleece people out of their money, they will find you out and you’re done. It doesn’t matter what you’re selling, you have to love the people you’re selling to… that’s the true secret to making money on the Internet.

You might think that’s a sappy, dorky sentiment, but to me, it’s one of the most important discoveries I’ve made here in Australia. Getting outside myself… getting outside my comfort zone… may just be one of the best things that’s happened to me in a long time.

I’m seeing people I’ve never met and learning a ton just by watching how they go about their lives and what is considered “normal” for them. But, most importantly, I’ve discovered that there’s a whole wide world out there and every person I meet can teach me something really incredible!–

Jim Edwards is a syndicated newspaper columnist and theco-author of an amazing new ebook that will teach you howto use fr^e articles to quickly drive thousands of targetedvisitors to your website or affiliate links…

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The day started out fine. I slept well and woke at 4:30 to email a fellow author who’s ghostwriting a book on The Power of Positive Thinking. I’d promised a few examples of my own philosophy. You know, the kind of stuff that is infused with optimism and oozes rhapsodic enthusiasm?

The email was more of a treatise on coping mechanisms, or “How to be happy when the world around you crumbles.” I recommend “taking pleasure in the little things” and cited some examples that have helped me in the past, such as soaking in the sunrise or absorbing the winter beauty of a wheat field glistening with ice. If all else fails, I list the things for which I should be thankful, such as: “At least I’m not laying in a ditch in Iraq like our poor, brave soldiers,” or “I’m not riddled with cancer.”

I know. It sounds downright naive. I’ve been called a male “Pollyanna,” before. But heck, it gets me through those tough times and… it actually works!

After writing, I showered, made my lunch, kissed my grandsons goodbye, and slipped into my parka. I fumbled around for my car keys. They were missing! I shrugged, decided to solve the mystery later, and grabbed the spare set. I ventured out into blackness of the early morning and headed for the car. The lights didn’t come on when I opened the door. A sinking feeling settled in my gut. There were my keys, dangling in the ignition, turned to the “ACC” position!

Daughter #3, home from college for Thanksgiving, retrieved something from the van and apparently turned on the key for some mysterious reason. There they’d remained over the long weekend.

I rummaged around the barn and found a set of cables. Next, I ran back to the car, grabbed a spare key for my mother-in-law’s car, and nosed it into position. In the pitch dark, I felt around for the hood release on my van. Where was that darned lever? I couldn’t find it. I grabbed the flashlight that had been smugly waiting for such an emergency in its holder since last Christmas, and searched again. There was NO latch!

Against every fiber in my being, I admitted that I needed to read the blasted manual. I found it after scrabbling around in the glove compartment. The print was tiny – I needed my cheapo drugstore reading glasses. I keep a pair on my bedside table and at work. I sighed, then remembered a rogue pair that was tucked inside my jacket pocket from my last book signing.

For the next five minutes, I flipped through the deceptive “easy owner’s guide” until I finally found a diagram of the car. There was a hood release, but it looked like it was on the seat bottom. I got on my knees again and searched. I pushed and prodded and pulled everything in sight. I scrutinized the diagram again with fingers covered in grease. Wait a minute! Did I read the diagram wrong? Maybe it’s on the lower left side near the gas tank lever! I dropped to my knees again. There it was, hidden around the corner so that I had to crane my neck inside the car to actually see it.

Good for deterring car thieves; bad for stupid new van owners.

The hood was up. I hooked up one side of the batteries. Red to positive, black to negative. The cables wouldn’t stretch from battery to battery. I needed another measly inch. I sighed, got in the other car, backed it up, and nosed it in closer. So close, that my riotous rose bush caught me each time I squeezed past it. Finally, it was done. The van roared to life.

But alas, it wasn’t over.

Breathe. Just breathe.

The radio flashed the word, “Code” and the clock was blank. A faint memory tickled in my brain… the security system! The salesman gave me a card with a code on it. Where had I stashed it? There it was, in my wallet. The only problem was, I couldn’t read the fine print. I patted my pocket for my glasses. They weren’t there. No, they were stuck on my peanut butter toast. I cleaned them off, reset the code, and headed to work.

I grumbled. Then the sun started to rise. The sun kissed the undersides of clouds that glowed gold, gray, and lavender on the horizon. As I drove north, the rays reached higher, splitting the pale pink fingers of dawn.

I started to feel good again, optimistic about the day, and actually looked forward to reconnecting with my colleagues at work. Then I spied the railroad crossing. I was already late for work, and prayed that I’d get across without having to stop.

The lights flashed and the guardrails came down. I put the car in park and laughed at myself. Out loud. It was a belly laugh. And it felt great.

Ah, the power of positive thinking.

Now, how do I reset that infernal dash clock?

Aaron Paul Lazar lives in Upstate New York with his wife, three daughters, two grandsons, mother-in- law, dog, and four cats. After writing in the early morning hours, he works as an electrophotographic engineer at NexPress Solutions in Rochester, New York. Additional passions include gardening, preparing large family feasts, photography, cross-country skiing, playing a distinctly amateur level of piano, and spending “time” with the French Impressionists whenever possible.

Although he adored raising his three delightful daughters, Mr. Lazar finds grandfathering his “two little buddies” to be one of the finest experiences of his life.

Double Forte’, the first in the LeGarde series, was published in January 2005. Upstaged, number two, is now available for purchase. Mazurka, number three, is ready to go to press. With eight books under his belt, Mr. Lazar is currently working on the ninth book in the series.

As we get older some of us tend to lose our inhibitions and
begin to speak out more. Some would say grumpy old men and
others might be more charitable and say that we speak our mind
but for me, today, it finally happened. At last I got chance to
do something I have always wanted to.

The day started off pretty much the same as any normal Saturday
really. A trip to the local Sainsburys supermarket to get
provisions which inevitably means that I almost always follow
the trolley around the aisles in a dream-like state looking for
all the things that I buy each and every week in an act of
repetition that should be challenged with something like a trip
to Tesco or Asda where the shock of change would force me to get
out of that mode of complacency and habit and actually allow me
to shop for food that I want to eat rather than what I force
myself to eat.

This is not really what I wanted to tell you. Today was in every
way mundane, except for one thing. Today I became an enforcer of
the law. One minute I was citizen Joe, the next I am pulling
over a vehicle and forcing the police to comply with my
instructions.

I was on my way home when it happened. I was following a police
car and about 3 miles from my destination when I noticed that
the car in front, a police patrol car, was slowing down for the
lights and yet no tail lights were showing as the vehicle
decreased in speed. As we waited for the lights to change to
green I watched the vehicle in front as it moved off, increasing
in speed before deceleration and the next traffic lights. This
vehicles rear stop lights were not working. Of that there was no
doubt. As traffic moved away from the lights into the dual
carriageway I began to muse at previous occassions when the
police had stopped me in my youth, either on my motorcycle or as
a young car driver. They might pull me up on the pretext of a
stop light malfunction or anything that might allow them to pull
me over and check my ID or license.

Following the police vehicle for about two miles I suddenly had
this wicked idea. Could I pull it off? What would happen if it
went wrong? What should I do? I could run this through my head
many times or I could act now and do something I had always
wanted to do. This was my chance. Yes, I should seize the
opportunity. Still hesitant I watched the car in front slow down
at the next set of lights. No tail lights again. This car was
illegal.

The lights changed to green. We moved away once again and the
traffic was light. I pulled over into the far lane and began to
overtake the police car. As I drew alongside I beeped the horn
and just like you see on the movies, with a stern face, I
motioned the driver to pull over. The driver was clearly
perplexed. He stared back at me with a blank expressionless face
which changed into a look of disbelief when I ordered him once
again to pull over. This time he complied.

I pulled up behind the police car and lacking blue flashing
lights I was hesitant, but finally convinced myself that I
should play this role to the letter. I put on my four way
emergency flashers. This was it. There was no going back now. I
stepped out of the car and walked slowly and deliberately
towards the drivers side of the vehicle in front. The driver had
not even opened the window. I noticed that there were two of
them in the vehicle. I tapped on the glass. ‘Wind down the
window please Sir’ I said loudly and with all the authority of
their superior officers. Sheepishly the window was lowered half
way. ‘Whats your problem?’ the occupant said sharply. ‘I have no
problem’ I replied curtly. ‘It is you that has the problem. Your
rear stop lights are malfunctional and contrary to the road
traffic act of 1958 your vehicle is unfit for the public
highway’. This wasn’t going too well. The driver looked annoyed
and shocked. Muttering something about 1956 instead of 1958, I
could barely hear him, he then opened the door and got out of
the car, walking around to the rear of the vehicle and examining
the light units. With his colleage pressing the foot pedal the
policeman shouted to his colleague in confirmation ‘Hes right.
They don’t work’.

At this point I knew I had them on the run. Their attitude had
changed from being slightly hostile to one of bemusement. I
turned to the driver. As cool as a cucumber I said. ‘ Sir, I
have a dilemna. You are driving an illegal vehicel and as such I
should insist that you write out a ticket requiring the owners
of the vehicle to produce their MOT, Tax and insurance details
to the nearest police station. Furthermore, you will need to
caution yourselves and make it clear that the necessary action
may be taken with regard to driving an unsafe vehicle on the
public highway. For almost two whole minutes the silence was
intense. Unfortunately it was I that broke the stand off. I just
couldn’t go through with it anymore. I looked them dead in the
eye and asked them straight - ‘If you had stopped me for faulty
lights what would you have done?’ They stumbled, mumbled
something about a caution and then went as quiet as schoolboys.

This was power. This is what they mean about empowerment. This
was my moment of glory. This was payback time!. I had achieved
what I set out to achieve. I managed a wry grin which broke into
a full smile to the relief of the policemen. They even thanked
me for pointing the fault and assured me that they would get the
car back to the station immediately for repair. We shook hands
and parted company. Elated and charged with adrenalin and
personal pride I suddenly realised I still had to get the
potatoes, pick up a TV magazine and go to B & Q. Oh well, that
livened up the day a little.

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