Students Of Success

After your humans give you a bath, Don’t Let them Towel Dry you!
Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the
sheets. This is especially good if it’s right before your humans
bedtime.

Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put
your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if
you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans
frantically search the house for the damage they think you have
caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely
nothing wrong.)

Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly.
Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare
blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what
they’re talking about.

Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to ‘pee’, sniff
around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot
you choose to pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the
busiest, most visible spot to poop. Take your time and make sure
everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans
have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing
every time a strange human walks by.

Make your own rules. Don’t always bring back the stick when
playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in
a while.

Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don’t greet
them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think
something terrible has happened to you. (Don’t reappear until
one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

When your human calls you to come back in, always take your
time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off
and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon
as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall
back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

Think you can’t afford to pay attention to branding? That it’s only for the rich and largest? Think again. No matter what size company you are - you really have no choice. Your brand exists in some shape or form and if you don’t invest in managing your brand, it will manage you, perhaps to oblivion.

Before we get into convincing hard numbers and business cases, let’s do something a little fun. I propose that brand is so pervasive that you can actually use it to identify where someone is from. Kind of like an accent or inflection of speech. It is, after all, our experiences with a brand that shape it.

Take this “From Where In the U.S.?” quiz:

Let’s start with something near and dear to most of us: food.
What mayonnaise would you swear is the best and search for in the market?
A. Hellman’s
B. Best Foods
C. Miracle Whip
D. None of the above

If you answered
A. You’re likely from the east coast states and refuse to call it Best Foods, even if you move to California.
B. You are from one of the states west of the Rockies. You’ve never even heard of Hellman’s, so why does they’re label look the same? Because they are.
C. You’re likely from the Midwest, Missouri in particular, and you make really sweet potato salad. (Sorry Grandma)
D. Can’t tell where you’re from. Maybe you hate mayonnaise.

As a kid, one of your favorite sweet snacks after school was:
A. Hostess Ding-dongs
B. Drake’s Ring Dings
C. Moon Pies
D. Scooter Pies
E. None of the above

This tells me that:
A. You’re from St. Louis all the way west to California. If you know them instead as King Dons, then the east coast. If you recognize the name Big Wheels, you’re from someplace else.
B. You’re from the east coast - NY/NJ - and think that DingDongs are rip-offs.
C. You grew up in the south, especially Tennessee, and typically ate these with an “RC Cola” to wash it down. Talk about sugar overload… (http://www.moonpie.com/hist_text.asp)
D. You’re from the eastern seaboard, and wondered what in the heck a “Moon Pie” was.
E. You’re from Canada and ate something called “Wagon Wheels”.

And for a non-food one that gets so specific you’ll think I’m psychic…
You need to get new clothes for the whole family, something nice to wear to Grandma’s birthday (where you will not mention the too-sweet potato salad), and you want reasonable selection, affordable prices. You head to the nearest:
A. Famous-Barr
B. Robinsons-May
C. Filene’s
D. Kauffman’s
E. Foley’s
F. Hecht’s
G. Meier & Frank
H. The Bay

And I will gaze into my crystal ball and pinpoint your location as:
A. Specifically Midwest - WI, MO, IL, IN, KY
B. The Wild West only - CA, NV, AZ, UT. Showdown, anyone?
C. New England. And don’t let any of your friends drag you into Filene’s basement in Boston…you won’t come out alive.
D. The industrial belt - NY, PA, OH, WV
E. The Texas, NM, OK, LA kinda’ south
F. Mid-Atlantic states where they have soft drawls and soft-shell crabs - MD, VA, NC, and parts of TN
G. Northwest Territory- WA, OR
H. Canada - where they eat Wagon Wheels

(Maps available at: http://www2.mayco.com/common/index.jsp)

How was that for brand identification? All of these brands started locally, without the war chests of advertising dollars that people think are needed today. They are memorable because of the experience we had with them - which was consistent and positive - so we told our neighbors. And we developed strong loyalties.

If I could turn MarketUP into the Moon Pie of the small business marketing world - well, let’s just say my Tennessee Grandpa would be proud.

Sounds simple, but it’s not that easy. Here are some of the compelling facts that result from religious brand building:

At a recent branding seminar which I attended, one of the speaker’s provided some staggering numbers related to valuation of a few of the largest global brands.

Coca Cola at #1 tells the story:
Total Valuation - $115 Billion (give or take)
Brand value - $70.45 Billion (about 61%)
(source: Business Week, 4 Aug 2003)

Anecdotally, Ford is said to have 75% brand valuation. You can guess what the stats are for Microsoft, IBM, MacDonald’s, Nike, Intel, etc.

“So what?” you might be thinking, “I’m not in that league. I can focus on selling and networking. No need to spend time and money on that BRAND stuff.”

Certainly the deep-pocket conglomerates have had plenty of time and money to build the kind of numbers that take your breath away. But it’s not just the advertising spend that got them there. They had to start and continue with a vision, products people wanted, service that satisfied and made their customers talk about them, creating more customers. That’s what brand is all about.

Brand Building on Any Budget:
1. Articulate your vision, and stick with it. No flip-flopping. No re-inventing every year. No re-naming to stay trendy. Take the time to clarify who you are and what you offer. The exercise alone will be worth it. Then build your communication tools.

2. Deliver your products and services in a consistent way that satisfies people. They WILL talk about you. And according to David Thompson, CMO of Webex (”We’ve got to start meeting like this.”), the only true brand measurement is this: Your customers are willing, nay, ANXIOUS to refer you to others. Amen.

3. Make sure your brand is communicated by everyone in your organization and anyone associated with you. Bad to say, “We are a high-touch service provider” and have someone call your phone number only to go into an endless, impersonal phone script hell. Be honest about your value.

4. Yes, it will also help if you develop a “look and feel”, those somewhat scary words that conjure up $$$$ and endless rounds of designers comps. It doesn’t have to be like that. The dot.bomb era should have weaned anyone of that notion if nothing else. Money was flying around paying for the jazziest names, logos, taglines and websites. And it kept flying…far, far away. Famous? You want famous with out frill? Try “Hewlett-Packard”. “HP”. Two names. Two blue initials inside a curved frame. Starting in 1939 they didn’t launch ad campaigns, they instead delivered consistent innovation. Tagline: Invent.

5. Measure. Be persistent. And real, and sometimes creative. But, be yourself.

I’m going online to order some authentic Chattanooga, TN Moon Pies to be delivered, which I will then have with a Starbucks, not an RC, that I will have purchased from a Starbucks location, because the brand experience is so much more rewarding there than at Albertson’s. (Where there is a Starbucks kiosk, but it is an extremely disappointing extension of the brand.) Starbucks - are you listening?

Further reading along the same lines:
http://www.marketingprofs.com/4/layton1.asp

http://www.marketingprofs.com/3/arruda7.asp
Small Business Branding: The Personal Connection

Brand history and fun facts sites:
http://www.foodreference.com/html/fhellmansmayonnaise.html
http://www.roadfood.com/Forums/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=2879첥

Donna Lehman welcomes comments: dlehman@market-up.com

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Ms. Lehman is Founder and Principal Consultant of MarketUP. She authors Knowbits, a monthly ezine of marketing tips for small business. MarketUP is a Berkeley, CA based consultancy for a number of startup and small-mid sized companies. Prior to MarketUP, Donna spent more than 17 years doing design, communication, and B2B marketing for start-ups and Global 100 conglomerates in various industry sectors.

Hard-nosed, veteran investigative journalist that I am, I just
had to dig into Saddam Hussein’s past in an attempt to explain
the possible causes of his behavior. Here is what I uncovered.

When he was a baby, Saddam’s fundamentalist au pere only
believed in changing his diaper once every two weeks.

As a child, he was confined to his room and exposed constantly
to second-hand fig potpourri.

His pediatrician once treated a childhood infection by injecting
honey into his sinuses and shoving locusts up his nose.

In second grade, everybody laughed when he lost the spelling bee
at Mosul Elementary by spelling the word “Kurd” with a Q.

When he misbehaved as a child, his father made him sleep naked
on a water buffalo.

On a dare, he spent the summer of 1962 smoking Preparation-H.

He once witnessed his best cow being humped by a camel.

He was once rejected by a semi-voluptuous vixon named Baghdad
Bernice who smelled like an embalmed goat.

His first wife always liked his sister best.

He suffers from boomasomnia. He just can’t sleep without the
sound of roadside bombs.

Every morning, all his life, he’s been getting up on the wrong
side of his nails.

Though my findings may help explain Saddam Hussein’s behavior,
please don’t tell anyone about it. I don’t want to have to
testify.

We all love clowning around and playing the idiot bringing laughter to those around us but sometimes our antics seen as bit of fun can turn laughter into disaster. Circus Clowns are similar to that of the jester in many ways in how they entertained crowds of people with performances which included daft tricks and funny doings like face pulling even throwing buckets of water over fellow Circus Clowns.

As funny and hilarious as the clowns pranks are, what you have to remember is, these funny folk are well rehearsed in their profession - it takes years of training to perfect what they do. The Circus Clowns performance may entail death defying stunts which have had to be carefully supervised and pieced together because of the risks taken to claim laughs and giggles. Displays from the Circus Clown can consist of acrobatics where the clown now becomes a stunt man - for example knowing how to break a fall or tumble without causing injury to himself or to other clowns in on the act.

A travelling circus show that come to town will no doubt highlight the main event of entertainment with classic performances from the Circus Clowns. It is quite common for the clown to ask for audience involvement in their circus act where the clown gets a little naughty with the onlookers. Just the mention of the circus is coming to town is enough to start a riot among the happy customers queuing for tickets. Besides all the circus animals like the elephants - lion taming acts and dancing dogs - it is without doubt that it is the Circus Clowns that draw the crowds.

The clown entertains in many different ways, some acts may just be floor shows but others may include bareback horse riding - and it is because of this that any clowning you may have in mind for a friend or friends at a party needs to be well thought through. Clowns take risks but are trained to do so and you are not - so think twice before engaging on any dangerous mission you have planned just to get a laugh.

Fancy funny displays from Circus Clowns are no doubt hilarious just like that of their funny costumes and disguises - but take away the disguise - the ginger wig and cosmetic make up and we have a very serious person that takes their profession just as serious. Clowns are very skilled people.

If you are having a party then consider calling in the skilled to provide the entertainment for you. Warning if you are not skilled then don`t take any chances because laughter can turn to disaster which is no laughing matter.

For party jokes gags and fancy dress ideas http://www.jesterminute.com
Best man gags at http://www.your-wedding-planning-help.com

Copyright Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.

– SHAMELESS SANTA SLIDERS –

Every year the Ho-Ho-Ho-ing chap in the red tunic with the white whiskers gets inundated with some pretty balmy questions.

So this year, I asked him if he wouldn’t mind responding to twenty-five odd, obscure, and some might even say downright obtuse queries. Needless to say, he was delighted to have a chortling chinwag with me by satellite phone from his nippy ice-fishing hut at the North Pole.

Readers who understand the value of milk and milk products plus high fibre diets also know we all pay a price for being part of the animal kingdom, perhaps more so during the holiday season. So, what’s this got to do with the price of tea in China? Well, allowance should probably be made for those with vagrant airs not to mention a healthy tongue-in-cheek attitude to Life, an uncertain Universe, and Everything absurd in between.

WARNING: For readers unable to make adjustments that are dietary, linguistic, psychological and cultural in nature, please avoid reading the following shameless sliders, big whoppers, and unmitigated, unmuffled freeps — more than likely emanating from a jolly, red-necked, foot-in-the-mouth fellow (probably wearing a plaid shirt, red long-johns, and a pair of bright yellow suspenders).

1. What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?

Hmmm…better ask the frazzled folks in Notrees (Texas), Mushaboom (Nova Scotia), and Hookey’s Waterhole (Australia) — they still believe Santa Claus will find them if they use smoke signals from blazing barbecues, outdoor cooking stoves, and hot coals from campfires.

2. Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else?

The short answer is no…everyone at the North Pole thrives on carrots and brussel sprouts, 57 blubber recipes, plus a weekly serving of fish and chips, supplemented by Girl Guide Cookie or Hostess Twinkie treats — a perfectly balanced diet for pleasingly plump parents and a lean pack of elves with attitude.

3. How does Santa get down the chimney when the fire is going?

We’re back to those blessed chimneys are we?!*… Santa wears a fire-retardant suit silly!

4. How does Santa’s huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys?

What’s with the f***** chimneys again? Okay if you really must know, Santa presses his “Mighty Magic Midget Button” on his red tunic faster than you can shake a stick or something.

5. What exactly are ‘reindeer games’ anyway?

Are you over 18, in good health, and seeking a pleasurable companion for a night out?

6. Why does Santa visit people only once a year?

There’s a clause in Fairy Godmothers’ Union contract stipulating that in the event of a decision by Santa to visit more frequently, there will be hell to pay from a whole host of hissy-fitters not to mention a hopping mad Easter Bunny.

7. Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?

The Man From Glad naturally — ’cause his PVC-bag full of goodies won’t break!

8. Does Santa get paid?

By that do you mean in the spiritual sense (you know warm and fuzzies), or in a pragmatic sense ($6.50 per hour less deductions for union dues, pensions, disability insurance, health and dental care benefits, taxes and voluntary charitable donations)?

9. What kind of car does Santa drive during the off-season?

Actually, Santa enjoys the perks of a chauffeur-driven, gas-guzzling, air-conditioned stretch limo with plush leather interiors and an automatic sliding sunroof, plus a full bar service, satellite-TV, a DVD player with surround-sound, not to mention tinted shatterproof glass and kid-proof door-locks. On occasion he has been known to drive a Harley-Davidson (without a helmet) in order to save the environment but more importantly, he just gets a kick out of feeling the wind blow through his long, curly locks of silver hair, bushy eyebrows, not to mention his handle-bar, white moustache and matching trimmed whiskers.

10. Why is Rudolph’s nose so red?

Perhaps he had a run-in with the Frost-Bite Fairy, who knows. Besides, Santa doesn’t tattletale on anyone, not even reindeers. …By the way, why are you more interested in the complexion of a hoofer rather than shooting the breeze with me, if I may be so bold as to ask?

11. Why do we wrap Christmas presents so beautifully only to have others rip off the paper?

Watch a blue movie or two, then you’ll probably figure out the answer all by yourself!

12. If Santa has a weight problem, why do we leave him milk and cookies? Shouldn’t we leave him a salad and water?

Look, there’s nothing wrong with having lots of love handles. Besides, I think you’re getting me mixed up with an alternative-lifestyle Easter Bunny who’d be only to pleased to smoke your weeds and walk on water, if it would make you and your friends happy.

13. How come all the standard Christmas songs you hear on the radio are sung by dead people?

Whoa, they haven’t all croaked yet. According to “Santa’s Good Time News Service”, Elvis was spotted just last week crooning, “Blue Christmas” at a rock’n'rolling retirement community in Bootlegger Crossing, Arizona!

14. Isn’t it a worry that Santa is an anagram of Satan?

At least Santa and Satan know what’s “red” hot and what’s not. God probably has more to worry about in the anagram department than Santa or Satan. After all, he dislikes being called “man’s best friend” and getting blamed for piddling on a fire-hydrant not to mention someone’s parade.

15. If a wise woman had come to the Nativity, she would have brought diapers, wouldn’t she?

If I’m not mistaken there were several signs hanging on the front door of the Inn: “No Vacancy”, “No Admission Under Any Circumstances”, and one in even bigger, bolder letters — “Wise Woman Not Welcome – Go Away!”… and your point was?

16. If it’s true that Santa is magical then why does Christmas Eve take so long?

Santa didn’t invent grandfather clocks, glow-in-the-dark watches, or other bleeping gadgets and gizmos. If you want to complain, I suggest you contact the old coot in charge, “Father Time”.

17. Where does Santa hide his claws?

Just because he wears a red and white outfit doesn’t make him an “Abominable Person of Snow”. Besides, Santa doesn’t need to scratch anyone’s back for a handout.

18. Why are Christmas colors red and green when Santa’s suit is red and white?

It all started with a few disgruntled Tarot card readers complaining about not being included in the Christmas story. So, the United Nations stepped in to stop all the whining and snivelling which was getting out of hand, (especially a campaign launched by the Society of Plus-Sized People who wanted to replace Santa Claus with the Jolly Green Giant as the symbol of rampant consumer spending, healthy lifestyle choices, and more free giveaways). Anyway, to make a long story short, a referendum was held and people the world over voted in favor of retaining Santa Claus, (dressed in his well-worn red and white suit), as star of the annual “Festival of Negative-Savers”. As a consolation prize, the World Trade Organization declared that “red and green will be the official designated colours of all wrapping paper, ribbons, and note cards accompanying charitable spam and jam food hampers destined for the Tooth Fairy, the Great Pumpkin, and the Easter Bunny”, (who are usually overlooked at this time of year).

19. Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself?

Of course he does! It’s only celebrity psycholigists who suggest that a jolly, bearded gentleman with a red-nosed reindeer in tow should “get a life”. There’s an old adage that says, “Behind every wet blanket lies an incontinent universe”. So take my advice, get off those high-and-mighty hobbyhorses and ride a reindeer for a day. Better yet, take a break. Try watching the deer and the antelope play on the back forty…”where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day.” It’s way more rewarding than watching soppy soap operas or a fancy fella dispensing dross to dysfunctional divas, disadvantaged doorknobs, desolate dorks, delusional duffers not to mention one too many detached dingbats.

20. What do parents living in warm climates tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there’s no snow in most places and it’s far too warm to be wearing that red suit.

Santa is a very resourceful, fit and adaptable guy with loads of charisma, not to mention tons of glad tidings and good cheer which is often in short supply around the Christmas dinnertable. As a matter of fact, he wears a chartreuse thong or a scarlet pair of bikini briefs underneath his red tunic — just in case he needs to slip into something more comfortable during his visit to Hellhole Palms (California), Boneyard (Arizona) and Weeki Wachee (Florida).

21. How come there isn’t a “Trading Spaces” TV show for Christmas yard decorations?

It’s not enough the world’s falling apart because golfers and gadflies don’t know how to swing a hammer and nail for Pete’s sake! Now you want to bring out the really weird folk who think decorating their lawns with something other than gnomes, angels and fairies would be sinful?

22. Are Santa’s Elves the same elves that are the Keebler Elves? After making toys, do they moonlight by baking cookies and crackers?

Our delightful, double-duty, efficient elves are far more productive and happier than the ‘one-size-fits-all’ sort of wee folk who work in many sweaty sylph shops around the globe. Our toy-shop offers a safe and friendly working environment, free milk and cookies during every 15- minute break, an opportunity to create whistle while you work songs, and an all-expense paid three-week vacation in Fannie, Arkansas not to mention a very popular and hugely successful government-subsidized retraining program for trolls.

23. Why does the Christmas season always come when the stores are at their busiest?

In the Land of Cowabunga, cowboys and cash-cow milkers, never ask why brown cows don’t fly there. (Trust me, they’ve never heard of a kahlua coffee liqueur with a dollop of whipped cream with chocolate sprinkles on top, and a Maraschino Cherry).

24. Should we mail our packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for next Christmas?

Ah yes, the Post Office, everyone’s favorite pastime — flogging dead horses. Take my advice, stop your faultfinding ways and use your positive energy flow to find a Flying Nun willing to take those parcels off your hands in return for all your Airmile points.

25. On artificial Christmas trees, why do they always make the center trunk green? Wouldn’t it be more realistic if it were painted brown?

What do you expect from fake things, perfection? If you’re not doing anything useful besides asking questions that require answers few have time to ponder, come and join our Toy-Shop Team at the North Pole. We have no trees, we have no bananas, and we just love elves who can hum along, otherwise this year there’ll be no presents under the tree (be they fake or real).

Oh and if by chance you should get stuck beside a “Bah Humbug” type at Christmas dinner, remind the foul miscreant that miracles do happen. Thankfully, at midnight some turn into whoopee cushions to amuse family or friends. Fortunately, others find redemption, (if only for a day), by riding the winds of change which usually means donning a red jump suit, handing out equal-opportunity goodies to those who’ve been naughty and nice, and last but not least — remembering to say, “Ho Ho Ho …and to all a good night!”

About the Author

Theolonius McTavish is a ripsnorting reporter of ribaldry and eccentric clairvoyant in the court of The Quipping Queen at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com

A common goal is to get the most amount of money with the least amount of effort. This is not to say that hard work is to be avoided or that a person could sleep past noon and still strike it rich. To get most amount of money takes hard work and a lot of effort. However, to spend less effort on trying to get the most amount of money there three critical steps to the process.

Research: Do your research and use the Internet as well as the public library. The Internet is the fastest way to search and find information. However, completing research in a library can benefit you by receiving the assistance of a librarian who can guide you in a direction you had not considered.

Consider the field that your business or service falls under. Use a web directory to find other companies in that field. Review their websites and make note of their good and bad qualities.

Plan: After completing your research start putting the pieces together. Outline your strategy. Consider how to transition from one step to another. Make note of the things you liked about how others presented their product or information. Do not copy or plagiarize their information but let it inspire you. Also make note of the negatives and avoid making these errors yourself.

Advertise: Call attention to your product or service and proclaim the qualities or advantage. First take the time to brainstorm your product or service. What are the qualities? Advantages? Strengths? Consider writing articles, using free web classifieds, and link exchanges.

By focusing on research, planning advertising; you save yourself time and money. You do yourself more harm by jumping in and going for it then you do by having the patience to research, plan and advertise.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lawrence Roth
Webmaster
http://www.rothline.com
Rothline Entertainment: Games, Movies and Software for people of all ages.

Dentists hate you. But I suppose it’s okay to have an attitude if your entire profession revolved around pain, radiation, tooth decay, gingivitis, bad breath, blood and drool.

You dread the visit to the dentist all day long. You park your car and walk into the dentist’s office 15 minutes before your scheduled appointment time in order to sit in their waiting room for an hour and a half. They teach the receptionist how to arrange such a schedule in Dental Receptionist College. In Dental Receptionist College all students are required to minor in How to Create Major Inconveniences for your Patients. They know that we might complain about the wait, but we are trapped there and have no choice. Our complaints are taped by secret microphones and played back during office parties.

Once you are there you get to sit down in the well-heated and stuffy waiting room. You can even watch TV, but you are not allowed to touch it. You have to watch whatever the dental receptionist wants to watch; game shows, soap operas and Oprah. This is the beginning of their sensory deprivation process that makes it easier for them to perform alien experiments on your body. If you don’t feel like watching TV they have a selection of 2-3 year old magazines for you. They know that old news will help calm you. If you still have any wherewithal left after thumbing through the magazines, your eyes will be hypnotized by the apathetic fish in the aquarium. Listen to the bubbling aquarium filter. Feeling sleepy? Listen to the alien music playing on the intercom. It is Celine Dion. She is the only alien to ever crack the top forty pop music market.

In the back of your now dulled state of mind you hear a voice calling. It is the hygienist. All of a sudden, after waiting 90 minutes, your appointment has a sense of urgency to it. They want to finish you up and go home. Now lie down in the comfortable chair. That chair has special alien gravity powers that hold you down without straps. Have you ever tried to get up quickly from the dental chair?

Let the blood pool in your head as you stare into the bright light. The more blood in your head, the more calm you are and the more blood they can take from you and use for evil. Notice the sterile room you are in. Doesn’t it resemble the spaceship operating room that is often described by hypnotized alien abductees? Now put on the safety goggles so that bone chips and broken drill bits do not fly out of your mouth and lodge in your eyeball. Look at the hygienist. She has a mask and goggles. Is it the same person who led you into the room? Maybe she is a victim of alien body snatching. Now gargle with the mystery fluid. It kills the germs in your mouth that may infect the alien population.

Dental professionals prefer to talk to you when they have tools and fingers in your mouth. The odd sounds that you make is actually the alien’s native language. You don’t realize that you are speaking alien and you soon get frustrated at the apparent lack of communication. Then you resort to just nodding at whatever they are saying. This is okay too because they have alien mind reading powers.

The hygienist now goes to work on you. They do not let you see the tools that they are sticking in your mouth. They take magician and gambling courses in dental school and are deft at the sleight-of-hand. There’s a reason they don’t want you to see the tools. You would expect alien tools to be space-aged equipment. But they aren’t. The aliens are sadistic and want to inflict pain on you. They have been using the same dental surgery tools since the Civil War. If you attempt to fight their gravity chair and peek at the tool table, they will shock your exposed nerves with a blast of cold water or cold air.

How sadistic are dental professionals? Did you know that the US Army Reserve unit that got into trouble for abusing prisoners at Abu Graib was a dental unit? There was a snafu at the assignment office and this reserve dental unit from West Virginia was mistakenly sent to relieve a departing military police company at the prison. These dental professionals were just doing what they were taught to do. Torturing and humiliating people.

Once the hygienist is done scraping every exposed nerve in your jaw she calls for the dentist. He likes the drill. The drill hurts but there are worse things. He was drilling on one of my teeth one day and we fell into a routine together. He would drill a little. Stop. Tears would well up in my eyes. Drill, stop, tears. Drill, stop, tears. This cycle repeated itself about 4 more times when he finally asked, “Why do you wince and tear-up when I stop drilling?” I said, “Doc, it’s that music! Every time you stop I can hear Celine Dion playing! Please keep drilling!”

The dentist is good at using euphemisms. “You are going to feel a little pressure,” means, “It is going to feel like a yellow jacket stung you on your tonsil.” “You are going to feel a pinch” means, “It will feel like this needle pierced the roof of your mouth and penetrated your eyeball.”

They speak in a secret code to the hygienist too. “Suction,” means, “Get rid of that quart of blood that is pooling in the back of his throat.” They even assign a secret numbering system to the dental tools. “Give me a # 3, or a # 4, or a # 8,” is shorthand for “the gum eviscerator, “the raw dangling nerve pincer,” and “the bone pulverizer.”

Now it is time for an x-ray. There is nothing more unearthly than radiation. Do you really think that a human invented the x-ray machine in the 1890s? That was quite a leap in medical science going from barber-surgeons and bloodletting to x-ray machines. Whoever invented the x-ray machine had some alien help. I really can’t explain what this machine does to you. They jam something into your mouth (a GPS?), immobilize you with a lead blanket, and then shoot strange rays at you.

Before you leave they tell you to floss. They want you to take a nylon wire and rub it in between your teeth until your gums bleed. This is the same principle as taking a linoleum knife and running it back and forth in between your toes. The last thing they tell you before you leave is not to eat or drink anything for the next 96 hours.

As you exit the building and walk out to your car in the parking lot you sense a weird feeling. Though you spent the entire afternoon at the dentist office it has only felt like five minutes since you first arrived and got out of your car. This is called “lost time” or “missing time” and it is the same phenomenon that alien abductees experience. Coincidence?

Something Ain’t Right

http://www.somethingaintright.com

1. We all know that fish travel in schools, but do you know some other plural fishey names?
A. Clutch
B. Shoal
C. Draft
D. Wave
E. All of the above
F. None of the above
G. B and C

G. B and C
TBD: It should have been wave though, don’t you think?

2. Can you name the phobia that means a fear of fish?
A. Ichthyophobia
B. Limnophobia
C. Entomophobia
D. Pantophobia

A. Ichthyophobia
TBD: If you have a fear of lakes you suffer from limnophobia, of insects you have entomophobia, and of everything its pantophobia.

3. How do fish hear?
A. They don’t
B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
C. Through their gills
D. Through their fins

B. Through sound vibrations reverberating through the bones of their skull
TBD: Fish hear without the aid of external ears. Sound vibrations reverberate through the bones of the skull to an internal ear. Fish also possess unique sensory organs called lateral lines. These canals along the sides of the fish can sense vibrations and, in some species, weak electrical fields.

4. What do you call a baby fish?
A. A guppy
B. A fry
C. A minnow
D. A baby fish

B. A fry
TBD: We guess that’s where the expression “small fry” came from!

5. How do Anarctic icefish survive in freezing water?
A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
B. Extra layers of fat which earned them the nickname “Puffy Fish”
C. Constant high level of motion to keep blood circulating
D. There is no such fish

A. Special antifreeze chemicals in their blood
TBD: We would have thought this was a made up answer if we hadn’t researched it ourselves!

6. Just how much hot water can fish take?
A. Pot boilers in Ecuador survive in hot springs approaching 200 degrees Fahrenheit
B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
C. Some fresh-water fish can take temperatures up to 80 degrees Fahrenheit without difficulty
D. Anything over 60 degrees Fahrenheit causes distress

B. Desert pupfish found in hot springs of western North America live in temperatures higher than 100 degrees Fahrenheit
TBD: We know we couldn’t live in those springs without cooking!

7. How high can a flying fish fly?
A. 6 feet
B. 36 feet
C. 60 feet
D. 360 feet

B. 36 feet
TBD: Their flight may consist of several glides, in which they repeatedly return to the surface of the water long enough to renew their propelling power. They rise to a maximum of about 36 feet into the air and glide as far as 200 yards.

8. Just how fast can a fish swim?
A. Never over 40 mph
B. Barely 50 mph
C. About 60 mph
D. Over 70 mph

D. Over 70 mph
TBD: The fastest-swimming fish are the billfish and the tunas. One billfish, the sailfish, can swim in bursts of speed over 70 mph.

9. Known as one of the fastest fish, tunas are also built for long-distance endurance. How far do tuna migrate?
A. 7700 miles
B. 770 miles
C. 77 miles
D. 7 miles

A. 7700 miles
TBD: Swimming as fast as 30 mph, they migrate as far as 7700 miles in only four months.

10. What are the biggest fish?
A. Whales
B. Whale sharks
C. Great white sharks
D. Leviathans

B. Whale sharks
TBD: Whale sharks can reach 40 feet in length. Yes, whales are bigger, but they are not fish. Fish are cold-blooded and breathe underwater using gills; whales, on the other hand, maintain a warm and constant body temperature.

You can enjoy more trivia created by Deanna Mascle at Trivia By Dawggone, Fun Trivia Online, and Trivia Tidbit.

Rock’s Oddball Celebrity News
By Rocky Ramsey

According to an interview with Madonna on 20/20, she wants to
change her name to Esther, because it’s a good Biblical name.

Paris Hilton’s infamous Internet video has been released on DVD.
It’s called “1 Night in Paris.”

Barbra Streisand, that great humanitarian, sued a guy for $10
million last year because he took pictures of her house. After
she lost her case, she was ordered to pay him $177,000 for his
legal fees. - One for the little guys!

“It was recently revealed that underwater explorer Jacques
Cousteau shot some of his ‘ocean footage’ in a bathtub. This
is particularly shocking because… who knew there was a
bathtub in France?”
- Conan O’Brien

About the Author

Rocky Ramsey publishes Movies, Money and More - Movie reviews,
entertainment, humor, money, contests, sweepstakes, freebies,
and more. Check out MoviesMoneyandMore.com

Now last summer I had seen Crouching Tiger Flying Squirrel. Three against one running up and down the Pine Trees. Well falling down. What was amazing was they were still fighting as they fell, with no fear. They just figured that a twenty foot Pitch Pine tree, on average, would have anywhere from 11 to 21 branches. If they miss six they can grab at any of the remaining 15 or so as they fell and run back up the tree to start this free fall Kung Fu once more.

Now I thought that was amazing.

Until this Spring.

Did you know that squirrels in heat turn bright red. I did not. Also that modesty in the female of the cuts against species. Also the single mindedness and intense focus of men, when they are getting laid that is. I caught two squirrels in a tree. She kept giving me the look of death. She turned upside down to stare at me to leave, then went around the tree to the top, still seeing me watching, fell through the remaining fifteen branches to catch three from the ground, and run away to a more private perch. With the male still pumping away upside down, turning around the tree, ignoring me, falling a great height, and being carried across the forest with single pursuit.

Now that was amazing.

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