Students Of Success

After the wedding I thought transitioning into married life was the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my personal life. I had never lived with a man before and nothing could have prepared me for the treatment I would succumb to over the next 12 years. I endured an array of verbal abuse ranging from the color of my hair (which was the same since the day he married me) to my apparent lack of intelligence. The degree of physical abuse was minimal but unforgivable and strangely he was most hurtful when he was sober, because then I knew he was aware of what he was saying and really meant it; though the details of the marriage don’t really matter.

What I was even more unprepared for was the divorce. It was a long time coming and beforehand I told myself I would take it in stride and never let myself miss him. To my surprise I had no problems holding up that promise to myself and early on found that I quite liked the fact that I could do whatever I wanted for dinner without being ridiculed about my culinary skills, or wear whatever my heart desired without being called “tramp-y” for showing some leg. And who would imagine that I, the one who has the intellect of “a can of soup”, could get a decent job?! I don’t think anyone would disagree that it’s pretty easy to adjust to living in a peaceful home after years of walking on eggshells.

So what was I so “unprepared” for? Where’s the tragedy to the story? Upon the finalization of my divorce my battle became a financial one and as many of us know that can rapidly turn into an emotional battle as well. Though while we were together money was never brought to my attention as a problem I soon found all the secrets he was keeping from me. Its not that he ever even lied to me about money, he just kept it all in the closet. I discovered a huge outstanding balance on a loan he told me had been paid off years before and had since been unpaid between the time he moved out and the divorce finalization (about two months).

It got a little more serious after they repossessed the car he had bought me (also supposedly paid off) and of course, it was under my name. Though I tried to remain as apathetic towards him as possible every time I found another credit card bill he was sticking me with I wanted to dislodge his tonsils with a spoon and yell at him “How could YOU be so stupid? How could you not have told me we were in such bad debt, especially after all those times I told you I wanted to get job and could have saved us this heartache?” That was what I was most in awe of, his deception. Of course hindsight is 20/20 so no wonder he never let me help out by paying the bills or have access to his accounts.

Long story short, I was eventually forced to move from my home (yes, the one I had planned to retire in someday) and I now live in a modest apartment with my niece- though at times I’m sure she wishes her roommate was a little more hip. It’s been a long road to recovery and there’s still plenty of road ahead but I’m making headway. I know this story has been retold in too many different renditions to count but I would like to offer my two cents to anyone out there who is on the brink, anyone who finds themselves at the intersection of desperation and alone, there is always someone you can talk to.

To be honest, for me friends and family weren’t exactly the ones I wanted seeing me in my fits of rage. I didn’t just want to talk to someone who cared, or who would “help me get through it all”. I wanted someone with the real life experience, who had been down where I was at that moment and could talk me off the ledge because they knew exactly how I felt. And I do believe that permitting myself to let strangers see me like that allowed me to carry on a more normal day to day life without hurting my loved ones.

The irony of all it all that I realized only a few years ago: if we hadn’t been so in debt, or if he had at least told me and allowed me to help him, would we ever even have split up? Was his anger toward me a repercussion of his worry about finances? I haven’t spoken to him in years so I don’t suppose I’ll ever have the chance to ask but now all I can do is encourage all those out there who may be finding themselves between a particular rock and an all too familiar hard spot there are people you can talk to. There are even people you can talk to while maintaining some anonymity! Http://www.lifeaftermarriage.com helped me cope. If not I would still recommend you to find someone you can vent to, they say keeping a journal of your feelings is great therapy but a journal can’t offer advice and the occasional response. You just have to the find the right person you want to reach out to.

** story written based off a personal story where the contributor would like to be kept anonymous.

Kelly Kennedy is the Communications Specialist for MindComet Corporation, a full service marketing agency for Fortune 500 companies and international conglomerates. Kelly specializes in public relations strategies focused on personal finance. Kelly has been author to hundreds of articles focusing on finance. She also acts as a contributing author for a wide variety of websites and newsletters. Kelly holds a Bachelors degree in Marketing from the University of Central Florida.

http://www.mindcomet.com

If you are like I was a year ago and are getting tired of your
local singles club dates and their attitudes towards almost
anyone (including you and your pals) and always seeing the
pretty ladies fall for the guy with the big bucks, that by the
way, even if he doesn’t want to admit it; has to pay for some
“love” all time; then maybe you have been day dreaming and
thinking about what you are doing wrong.

The truth is that maybe you are not doing anything wrong, maybe
you just happen to be in the wrong place. And being in the wrong
place easily makes finding a charming and beautiful woman that
you may even consider marrying and having a nice life together
an endeavor easily comparable to an impossible dream.

“I wish I could find a woman that will be different to what I
usually find everywhere”. Quite probably are the words you keep
repeating to yourself those lonely nights at home without really
knowing how to pass from dreaming to reality. But now it’s time
for you to consider stop dreaming and start acting. I have good
news because everything indicates you may find a bright reality
ahead pretty soon. All you need is some patience and the right
information.

It is very probable you’ve heard before about those famous and
charming Russian ladies from the former Soviet Union that you
can find on the web. And it is also very probable that you, as
many men around the world, still have a good deal of prejudice
about entering in a relationship with these beautiful Russian
women; ladies that may seem you too close to a far away dream
and for many even an invitation from scammers.

But the truth is that they indeed exist and are also dreaming,
like you are, about finding the right man they can’t, and in
many cases will never find at home. And yes, most of them are
sincere women looking for their soulmates and willing to build a
family with that lucky man they choose as their beloved partner.

Stories about scammers and other terror news have been too
widely abused and distributed without considering the real
situation and taking a few cases of abuses as a rule for all the
others. But in reality there have been, and there will always be
a bunch of wonderful stories about couples that met through the
internet and are now living together and building strong
families.

Russian women want and need men that are willing to build a
family and give respect and love to their particular woman. They
are not looking for good looks, jerks or millionaires aboard.
Just a decent and working man that can provide for a family and
in whom she can trust. And no, a genuine, marriage interested
lady will not be chasing after a green card neither. For most of
them it is all abut love and the imperative cultural need all
Russian women have for a husband. You may be surprised to learn
that a woman in Russia that is over 23 and has not been married
yet is considered a woman left to be single. No matter how
beautiful she may look.

The amount of men population in countries that once belonged to
the Soviet Union has been decreasing making the ratio of men to
women less than one. And from the ones available only a few are
marriage minded due to the hard economical situation of their
countries, and most of those get married in their early 20’s. As
you can see it’s not a very nice situation if you are a woman
looking for a mate. So, women are left with two options; being
alone and single all their lives or look for a husband abroad,
with the immigration process that this will imply and which is
always a difficult decision for them to make.

To leave their country, family and friends to come to a strange
place where they don’t know anyone and not even enough of the
language is a hard decision. But again, the will and desire to
build a family is strong, and so culturally rooted in them that
they will do what is needed in order to find love and build
their own families.

So, there you have it. If you have been day dreaming about a
charming woman to marry and you are willing to give her your
love and respect, you have the blueprint of the road that will
lead you to her arms. Turn to Russia, and look for love. You
won’t regret it. If you are looking for something else, don’t
waste your time not hers.

Celtic music for a wedding reception is the way to raise the roof of any wedding with whirling reels and beautiful love songs. The CDs below are the way to go.

A Celtic Renaissance Wedding by Brobdingnagian Bards. A beautiful and mesmerizing album of romantic Celtic wedding music, and The most popular wedding albums for sale on MP3.com. Here’s what one happy couple had to say about it:

“We had planned on having a string quartet at our wedding. While looking on the web for groups, we ran across The Bards. We immediately called Karen’s dad, since he was footing the bill, and played Tolkien over the phone. It was an instant hit and we later chose it as the solo for our wedding ceremony. We decided to be a little different and use Maids in the Meadow for the recessional. It was wonderful!” -K. & E. Hayden, Newlyweds

Celtic Wedding: Music of Brittany by The Chieftains. If you are looking for Irish music that rocks with reels, then the first place any Celtic music lover should look is to The Chieftains, the official ambassadors of Celtic/Irish music. This CD is actually one of traditional Breton tunes, but nonetheless great music for any Celtic wedding. You will find the perfect songs to get people dancing when your Celtic reception begins and you are ready to celebrate.

Haste To The Wedding by Anne Roos. Anne Roos performs Celtic music on the Celtic harp with accompanying instruments. The tracks flow in the order that music flows at a wedding. Ideal for future brides and lovers of Celtic music alike. This unique CD was recorded live in a church, without overdubbing, to give the feeling of a live ensemble performing at a wedding.

Marc Gunn is an Irish and Scottish folk singer with a strange affinity for Celtic ballads, drinking songs and cats. He is the lead singer for the Brobdingnagian Bards who perform at numerous Celtic weddings in Central Texas. He is also Celtic music podcaster and Irish music magazine publisher and promoter.

Call it a fight, call it a discussion, call it whatever you want. But let’s be honest. The truth is that in every marriage there is fighting. No matter what you think, there is no such thing as the Cleavers or the Cosbys. That being said, if it happens in every marriage, why is it that there are some couples who seem to enter and exit the ring gracefully while others seem like there is never a break between rounds? The reason is that some people have learned the secrets behind fighting well and others are just swinging away hoping to connect.

Whether you have been married 20 years or 20 minutes, learning to fight well can
be the difference between being one of the most rewarding experiences of marriage
and the most challenging.

What fight do you want to fight?

Let’s clarify what was said previously. Everyone fights, but you may not
actually know it. Even if you are in the relationship. There are basically 2 types of
fighters; the Screamers and the Sweepers.

What does a screamer sound like?

This is the couple that nobody doubts is having problems. They are the ones
that fight over the smallest things, and these small things turn into World War III.
The fights turn brutal fast and leave deep wounds that are still raw as the next fight
starts. They fight about the same thing over and over and never seem to solve a
thing.

How deep is the carpet you sweep under?

These couples do have conflicts, but they keep it quiet. From the neighbors,
from the family, and even from themselves. When a conflict arises, these people will
quickly and effectively avoid the conflict and will work around it. When they come
into therapy, generally these people will talk about conflicts that were never
resolved 10 years ago that their partner didn’t even know was a problem.

Why do so many couples fight?

Here is the problem. There really are 3 things working against you in this
relationship.

What family tree did you fall from?
First is that neither one of you grew up in the same family. Maybe your family was
the kind of family that was loud and outgoing, always doing things together, and
constantly moving, whereas your partner came from a family where spending time
together meant that they were in the same room together listening to the same
clock ticking in the corner. It may not have been quite that extreme, but you get the
point.

Are you a fruit?
Secondly, no two people in the world have had exactly the same experiences and
thoughts as another person. Our experiences tend to form who we are and how we
see life. Therefore, no two people in or out of a relationship will ever see their
relationship exactly the same. It is like trying to compare apples to oranges.

What planet are you on?

Finally, there is one overlying theme that hangs over all of us in traditional
relationships. One of us is male and the other is female. Period. Although we are
not from different planets as you may have heard, society expects different things
from us and we therefore have different goals and expectations about relationships
and our roles in them.

Knowing that there are such strong, lifelong habits and traits that we are dealing
with, it should be

Why do we lose control?

When we fight, something interesting happens in our bodies. For most people,
fighting isn’t just an exchange of words. It is an emotional event that happens and
is felt throughout our bodies.

Emotion types

There are two types of emotions. Primary and secondary. Secondary emotions are
emotions that come after the main emotion occurs. In essence, it is a reaction to the
reaction.

When people come into a session, most often we hear “She pissed me off”, or
“He made me so mad”. That is not the real emotion. That is the reaction to the
emotion. The primary emotion is hurt, disappointment, or rejection. It is important
that this distinction be made.

Chemical Confusion

Part of the problem when we fight is that too often we are dealing with the
secondary emotions. We have felt something strongly like rejection or betrayal, and
then our bodies automatically go into defensive mode. Our brains release chemicals
that put us on alert and do not allow proper functioning of brain processing.

What we need to realize is that people who work off of secondary emotions do not
actually see reality because their brains cannot function properly with the chemicals
that are being produced. Our natural response is to retaliate without thought. How
can you fight effectively when your brain is not functioning? You can’t! That is why
you need to be able to see clearly enough to fight.

This is just not natural!

Why is it that fighting well is so difficult? Even the most practiced couple makes
mistakes at times and seems to go backwards. What needs to be understood is that
it is not natural to have the kind of conversations that will make marriages work.
Our natural reaction is to fight or run.

So what we are doing is trying go against what our animal instincts are telling us to
do. What needs to happen is that we need to transcend that instinct and move to a
higher level and do things that feel difficult and unnatural. It’s hard, but it can be
done using proven tools.

Other Topics in this Series

1) Check Out Time

2) Kitchen Sinking

3) Sucker Punch

4) Setting the Rules

…and many more

Topics discussed here are not intended to replace professional counselling. For
further information, more articles like this and downloadable audio files, visit
www.bestmarriages.com

With over 40 years of combined experience in marriage, family, and relationship counselling, Jay, Lawrence, and Darren offer a unique and refreshing perspective on what makes marriages effective.

An increasingly popular choice among couples is to travel to a
quaint little town in the United States, or somewhere exotic
abroad. Most ‘destination weddings’ are considered ‘hot
spots’ for tourists. Say, a dream-vacation place. And what
better place could you choose to exchange your wedding vows?

First and foremost, you have to decide whether you want a large
wedding or a discreet elopement. Now ask yourself-is this
destination wedding in your budget? Although it’s a once in a
lifetime opportunity, you have to ask if a destination wedding
is right for you.

Who Chooses a Destination Wedding?

There are many couples who choose destination weddings for
several different reasons. Perhaps they want to share this
specific destination with their friends and families. Maybe it’s
a place that both people have always wanted to visit together.
If the couple has been together for a long time, a destination
wedding might serve as a well-needed vacation and a perfect
place to pop the question.

What are the Best Locations for a Destination Wedding?

When deciding where to go for your destination wedding, one word
comes to mind: fun. You want to be sure that there are plenty of
exciting things to do. Great restaurants, nature, and hobbies
that you both enjoy, will keep you busy for days. You need to
decide whether you want to explore an exotic location outside of
the United States , or a fun tourist attraction within the
United States.

Some exciting locations within the United States are:

 Las Vegas  New York  Disneyland
 California wine country areas (Sonoma and Napa)
 Hawaii

Should you decide to venture outside of the United States, the
following are some of the hottest dream- vacation places for a
destination wedding:

 Mexico  Caribbean  Italy 
Germany  France

If you’ve already ’shopped around’ for a destination wedding and
you were overwhelmed with the prices-start looking during the
off-seasons, as you’ll save a considerable amount. In addition,
look for packages that are all inclusive: hotel accommodations,
meals, sports, tours, etc. It’s always a good idea to use your
credit card which insures your purchases.

Most importantly, if you are getting married in a foreign
country, educate yourself on their rules and customs before
going abroad. What documents will you need? Is their a blood
test required? What’s the legal age of consent to marry? These
are all important questions you should research before jumping
on an airplane or cruise-ship with your spouse-to-be.

Have you ever been left with a survival situation that requires a single definite decision? Is the answer going to be “Yes” or “No”?

Look, let’s agree that there isn’t going to be a “maybe” or a “perhaps,
if I do this or do that…” Just a simple “Yes” or “No”.

So, what would your decision be?

Oh, I’m sorry, you don’t know what the question is going to be yet,
do you?

Well, let me set a real life scene… Two weeks after my wife’s friend’s
birthday party, two and a half years ago, my wife informed me that she
wanted a divorce and was leaving to live with another man. She had decided
that her life could only be bettered by living the rest of her life with
this man. The reasons for her to decide to go were her own (I still don’t
know for certain) but she had made her choice, “Yes” to go. It was a good
choice for her at that moment in time (although I’m not sure she would
agree with that statement now).

On that evening, I found myself stood beside a fast flowing river not
knowing what to do next. I had run away from the argument and the problem
of what response to give to the ultimatum… My wife was going whether
I liked it or not.

There was no choice left to me. My life was over and there was no reason
to carry on any longer. I just couldn’t carry on because there wasn’t any
point. My beautiful wife had told me in a single sentence that it was all
over. Instantly, she had made my life worthless. Here was 18 years of love,
happiness, hard work, fatherhood… completely wasted. What was I to do?

What would you have decided to do? Jump in and end it all? I thought,
as I stood there thinking, “It would be so easy and quick to finish it
all now.”

In the similar circumstances in your life what have you decided?

Guess what my choice was. There couldn’t have been any other choice
really, could there? Death in the river would have would have removed all
choice and time for thought, after which there could be no “Yes” or “No”
to concern myself with. Whereas, at home there was my teenage son concentrating
upon school examinations… he would need to be told, carefully. And there
was our pet cat that would still need feeding… it’s strange what your
priorities can be at a moment of crisis.

But, did I want to go home?

“No”, I didn’t want to return home but it would have meant running away
from my life, responsibilities and sense of value. It would be an ending…
but it would be a nothing ending… no resolution!

“Yes”, on the other hand allowed opportunity for a new beginning, what
ever that might involve. A New Life, perhaps, with a whole New World of
opportunities and experiences. With all manner of new people to meet and
get to know and…

Did I really want any of this? No, I did not. I’d worked half my life
with my lady trying to help build a family, provide a home and find happiness
and everything that held value in my mind. But, in a short sentence ” I
want a divorce”, it was all gone.

It was time to take control, of myself and the consequences.

I decided not to jump into the river. I’m not a terrific swimmer and
I would only have fought to stay alive… It would have been a horrible
struggle against the speed of the current and whirlpools
that I could see in front of me. It wouldn’t have been an easy end. It
would have left an incredible mess to sort out and I couldn’t leave my
family to clear up the mess. So, the decision had to be “No” to the quick
painless death and “Yes” to life and all the resultant problems of learning
to live life alone.

“Yes”, there would be family, friends and his school that should be
informed who might be able to help my son in what could be a difficult
time for him. At work, there were designs and challenges I still had ambition
to complete. And there were friends who I might be able to talk with and
gain personal support from. I was certain that if I looked hard enough
I hadn’t lost value, nor had I lost my sense of worth. There was an awful
lot to concentrate upon and a great deal to do!

Well, as you can imagine this was the first of many tremendous divorce
survival challenges, including…

• 
  Hurt and pain
• 
  Shouting and anger
• 
  Legal battles
• 
  An emotionally damaged son to look after
• 
  Learning to cook and feed ourselves with good healthy food
• 
  Learning to keep the house clean, clothes washing and ironing
• 
  And maintain sanity and purpose

“YES”, to the challenge of life through and after divorce was the definitely
the winning choice! I’m happy that there could be no other choice. I have
found something of self-belief and I have seen that I have real value in the
eyes of a person that means most to me… my son.

Don’t you agree? Or are you a better swimmer?

Chris Annable is the author of a new book titled: Doc Ingman’s
“Divorce And Separation Survival For Men”, which tells of one man’s remarkable
story of how he took control of his life and helped his son survive the
struggle of separation from his mother during divorce. Contact: http://www.divorce-and-separation.com

If you are in a sexless marriage and are unhappy because of it, don’t worry, it isn’t unrecoverable but it is serious cause for concern. You may even be thinking that you need a divorce because of your sexless marriage, that’s only natural. But, in order to really decide what to do, some thinking needs to be done so you feel good about your decision, regardless if you stay married or not.

Being stuck in a sexless marriage can have you feeling a wide range of feelings from loneliness, listlessness, confusion, unconfident, etc. These feelings come about for a variety of reasons and they can be overcome if you just figure out why you’re in a sexless marriage. You need to get to the root of the problem and uncover the real reasons that you and your spouse are no longer sexually active assuming of course, you once were!

To get to the heart of the causes for a sexless marriage will take some time. On the surface, you may be thinking that the cause of your sexless marriage may include one or more of the following scenarios:

Sexless Marriage: “We both work too much!”:

You both work extremely hard and there just never seems to be enough time to get together, your schedules are skewed. This is true a lot nowadays with the ‘new’ economy, lots of couples are married but just live together like roommates if both parties have ‘time-consuming’ careers. If not managed properly, it is unfortunate but common for people in this type of lifestyle to end up in a sexless marriage.

Sexless Marriage: “You work, I stay home with the kids!”:

One of you works very hard with your career and one of you stays home to raise the children (child), which is equally as hard as any career! This situation can lead to a sexless marriage in many cases because of the seemingly disparate priority base of each party. The spouse with the career may need to work after hours, travel, or attend “post work” functions and the spouse who stays home raising the children (child) may not have any other outlet for relaxation away from the home front. This situation can easily lead to a sexless marriage because there may be underlying feelings from both sides that contribute to an already tough situation based on personal and work related schedules.

The spouse with the career may say at times, “Why do you think I work so hard? I do it for you, the kids, our family, etc.”. The spouse who stays home with the children (child) may say at times, “You have another release, you have social interaction daily with the outside world. I feel stuck here sometimes, I need to get out and have time for myself.”. If the spouse that stays home feels like the spouse with the career enjoys being out and working more than being home, that calls for a whole different and escalated level of concern! Chances are the sexless marriage was bound to be that way before the current situation even arose.

Sexless Marriage: “I don’t know why…there’s just no spark left, you don’t pay enough attention to me and our sex life and I guess I don’t either!”:
This is a common sexless marriage situation and it can be caused by a variety of things including emotional scars, bad experiences, boredom, laziness, etc. In this situation, there is deep cause for concern from both parties because both parties aren’t happy sexually but don’t really know why it ended up this way. Both parties have just “let things go” and didn’t place a high enough priority on their sex life with their spouse, which in and of itself is very concerning.

Why would either or both parties let things get this way when love making is so important?

Sometimes there’s a feeling of being taken for granted that can occur in this type of sexless marriage, and both parties should realize that sex is a basic human need and should take priority over other things at the right time. It takes work to get out of this type of sexless marriage, you need to sit down and figure out why your marital love life has dwindled. If you both really want to rekindle things, you can do so, but you both need to take equal responsibility for correcting the problem.

Whatever type of sexless marriage you are in (there’s certainly more types than listed here), remember that it is not unrecoverable. If you’re to the point of thinking about getting a divorce because of your sexless marriage, take the time to sit down and figure out how it got to be the way it is now.

If you’ve lost interest in your spouse from a sexual point of view, you need to define exactly why that occurred. If you don’t know right off hand, you need to think back to a time when you did ‘have the spark’ and recall what you both were doing, feeling, thinking, etc. From that point, identify what has changed, why it has changed, and what you can do about it. When you get that portion figured out, you may well on your way to taking the first step of recovering from your sexless marriage. Remember, if you really want to rekindle your relationship, you can.

Karl Augustine

“A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce”

An eBook recommended by marriage counselors and relationship coaches to their clients.

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Sexless Marriage

It’s a common question. A person (most often a woman) waits and waits for a man to divorce his wife and begin a public relationship with her. He always seems on the verge of doing so, or, at least has good reasons for putting it off.

When will he divorce her? If the question has to be asked, then the answer is probably, “Never.” The question implies that it has already been too long and that the promises are not being kept.

Why would a woman hang on, when it would appear to most outsiders that there is little chance of him leaving his wife and marrying his mistress?

The answer is never simple. Every person has their own story. However, it is usually some kind of emptiness story. It may be a woman in an empty marriage, waiting for the fulfillment promised with her lover. It may be a single woman unsure of her worth and glad to receive what attention she can. It may even be a very accomplished woman that has “fallen” for a man that “sweeps her off her feet” and then won’t come through with the finish of the story.

In each case, there is the initial titillation of playing the hide-and-seek game. While this game grows old for the woman, it continues to provide adrenaline and thrill to the man. This is a reinforcement for continuing with things as they are. He may feel like the guilty school boy, but there is a large part of him that enjoys it.

It’s not that he doesn’t care for her. He undoubtably does. But he also cares for his wife, his children, his home, his car, his career, and hisgood standing in the community. He cares, but not for her alone. It is obvious from his behavior.

You might wonder how a couple could allow themselves to get into such an untidy if not immoral position to begin with. It’s been my experience that, except for the serial cheaters, most couples slide into these relationships through companionship, not expecting anything more to come of it. Some get there because their values allow a casual fling and they find themselves much more deeply attached than they ever intended.

So, what do you do, if you’re asking about when he will divorce her?

You could expose your relationship with him, hoping this will force his hand and he will leave her. Alas, he probably won’t. You’ll probably just force them into marriage counseling together.

Your best option is to find a life for yourself apart from him. Very few people can leave a relationship without another to go to. So, force yourself to date others. Attempt to find relationships that promise as much or more than the one you are waiting upon.

If you are married, then get to work on that relationship. See a marriage counselor. Work out your issues in the context of your existing relationship before trying to move on to another.

Oh, and what if he does divorce her? He cheated once (with you), why would you ever trust that he wouldn’t cheat again, this time on you?

Steve Roberts, “The Couples Guy,” is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Get Insight and Wisdom for your Relationships at: http://www.whatworksforcouples.com/

When a couple decides their marriage is over, a tremendous sense of grief and relief are felt. A recently divorced person will feel grief over the loss of their marriage and the loss of their partner in life. But there is also a sense of relief that the pain and anguish is now over and their healing can begin. For couples without children divorce is a far simpler process. They are not continually seeing each other to bring up all those bad feelings over and over again. When children are involved parents must learn their new roles and coexist quickly to minimize the negative effects of divorce on children.

The effects of divorce on children can be very traumatic.

Some children blame themselves for the divorce, believing that they caused their parent’s divorce due to their bad behavior or not listening. Some children just shut down after the divorce and find it very difficult to express their feelings. Often they look as sad as they feel, withdrawing from friends and activities they once enjoyed.

The effects of divorce on children can harm their future.

The effects of divorce on children can be detrimental to their future relationships. Children sometimes feel betrayed by their parents, resulting in a mistrust of others. This inability to trust others hinders their ability to form intimate relationships.

Parents can minimize the effects of divorce on children

The good news is that the effects of divorce on children can be minimized by their parents. Parents can reassure their kids that the divorce is not their fault. It is also important for parents to make their child feel safe by reassuring their child that they are loved by both parents. It is also important to let your child know that parents do not divorce their children. Tell your child that you are available to answer any questions they might have about the divorce. The effects of divorce on children will be less severe if the couple is able to put aside their differences as much as possible and work together to provide a loving, safe and consistent environment in both parent’s homes.

Lisa Dunning is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Specializing in Parent/Child Relationship issues and the author of “Good Parents Bad Parenting - How To Parent Together When Your Parenting Styles Are Worlds Apart”. She provides expert advice for television and radio programs throughout the country and speaks to various parenting groups. To learn more about Lisa Dunning visit her website at http://www.LisaDunningMFT.com

You probably thought your thought your life and your marriage were going along quite well. Yes, there were challenges and difficulties, but you really believed the good outweighed the bad. Through the ups and downs you hung in, hoping in time that your partner would see the light and decide to treat you with love and respect. You hoped in time that you would be able to live the dreams that you held precious in your heart of hearts.

Then came the ugly word DIVORCE. You were shocked! You cried. You pleaded. You begged for another chance, but the answer was still NO. Divorce papers were served. You were left picking up the pieces of a life you thought you shared.

So, now it’s time to go forward. You read magazine articles, you gather books, you talk to your family and friends, you find a therapist, you join a support group and you buy new clothes. Through it all you may feel empty and alone, sometimes worthless, sometimes angry, sometimes scared of the future.

You find yourself wondering, “What does it take to really heal?” As a psychotherapist, I deal with people every day who are going through emotional pain like yours. I’m writing these healing steps for you, because I want you to know that the choices you make in this healing process will literally determine the quality of your future life.

1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Going through divorce is like grieving the death of your relationship, your dreams and your future together. Let yourself really feel the emotional pain and move through it naturally by journaling about your feelings and crying the tears that need to be cried.

2. Hold on to your intention to heal, forgive, and move forward. Divorce can be very painful for a time, but having the intention to forgive and move forward helps you to learn what you need to learn and start over in a new way, instead of being angry and bitter for the rest of your life! Remember that your divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you if you choose to use it as an opportunity for emotional healing and personal growth.

3. Create a healthy support system of true friends who support your personal growth through this experience. Who you choose as friends at this time could easily make the difference between staying stuck in the anger and pain for the rest of your life or moving forward to create a whole new life for yourself! If you want a positive future, choose friends who help you grow!

Copyright © 2006 Kari Joys

Why spend another day feeling anxious and depressed when you can begin this exciting emotional healing journey right now? Even if you grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family, with patience and persistence you could actually overcome a lifetime of negative patterns by following Kari Joys’ simple 33-day emotional healing journey! Kari Joys MS has been a highly recognized psychotherapist, a skilled group facilitator, and a powerful energy therapist in private practice for over twenty years. If you’re ready to change your life, visit http://www.kari-joys.com