Students Of Success

Ever heard of the Fuller Brush Man? You know, those legendary guys who came knocking on the front doors of America, selling brushes, mops and cleaners?

I was one of them, back in my early twenties.

I had just quit a job in an employment agency after four-and-a-half very long, very stressful days.

Confined for eight hours a day to an incredibly tiny cubicle, ear pressed to the phone calling through the yellow pages trying to find job listings, then on my very first interview having to lie to a girl about a fictitious job the boss had advertised to pull in applicants. (Can you say bait-and-switch?)

That girl knew I was lying, and when she walked out the door, I walked out, too, almost on her heels.

So when I started a new job selling door-to-door, it seemed like heaven in comparison. No cubical - I was outdoors in the June sunshine and balmy breezes. No telephone - I was talking to people face to face.

And no lying. If I didn’t think a product measured up, I simply didn’t put it in my case; I only showed what I thought was the best.

I was ecstatic from the first minute of the first day.

Every house I walked up to, my heart sang and I said over and over to myself, “I am SO-O-O-O-O-O glad to be out here and not trapped in that cubical.”

I was deliriously happy to be where I was. Overjoyed to be doing what I was doing.

And sell? Man, I sold just about half of all the people I talked to. Back in the early sixties, a hundred-dollar-day was the holy grail of Fuller Brush men. Sales people would stay out till eight or nine o’clock every night trying to nail that hundred dollar mark.

But not me. I knocked off every afternoon about five or five-thirty with $120 or $130 worth of receipts in my order book.

Then, after a few weeks, something quietly changed. My sales began to sag. Each morning saw me going out a little less enthusiastic. I spent increasing amounts of time trying to figure out what was going wrong.

After a few months, I left that job, utterly disappointed in myself.

Afterwards I wondered how I could have taken something so obviously perfect for me and messed it up so badly.

In fact, that question followed me, haunted me for twenty long years. Eventually, though, I figured it out.

The secret had been right in front of my nose all those years, but just as a fish can’t see the water it swims in, I had been unable to repeat that undeniable success.

My big secret? It was simple, really.

I had filled my mind with thankfulness - undiluted gratitude - unreserved joy at being right where I was, doing exactly what I was doing.

Then, twenty years later, when I started being thankful again - but deliberately, this time - my life changed back.

Suddenly, all sorts of “serendipitous” things started occurring. People I barely knew started bringing me terrific opportunities.

Mark this: Joyous stuff started happening AFTER I went back to being overjoyed with my life.

Make no mistake - there were still challenges that needed to be dealt with. But I stopped seeing “problems” as personal affronts deliberately sent by life to impede me. In fact, with the right mindset, I couldn’t see problems at all. Instead, they looked like fascinating puzzles to solve and games to enjoy sorting out.

And even now, anytime I feel life becoming a bit too stressful, a bit too heavy, a bit less fun, I make myself stop and - against all logic - I start looking at all the stuff around me and calling it good.

And yes, I even make myself say, “I am SO-O-O-O-O glad to be right here, right now.” And I don’t stop saying that until I can feel it taking hold.

Now, I realize that on the surface, there is absolutely no logic to this practice… except for one tiny thing.

It works.

So if you decide to try this approach, do this: make a list of all your major problems and start through them, one at a time, saying, “I am so glad this is happening. This is actually very interesting now that I look at it closely, and I’m lucky to be here so I can gain some great new knowledge from this. I am SO-O-O-O-O glad.”

Warning: you’ve got to put some real oomph into it. Some real feeling. Just saying the words without working up some enthusiasm is like writing a letter without a pen in your hand. You’re going through all the motions, but no communication takes place.

So do that, and keep doing it till it starts taking hold.

How can you tell when it’s taking hold?

There are two signs. First, you begin to lose that tense, blocked, frustrated feeling. And second, your life starts working FOR you instead of AGAINST you. Lots of little things start going right instead of wrong. People begin treating you like you’ve always wanted them to.

And you go to bed each night feeling like you’ve just had a wonderful day.

If you’ve tried and tried all the logical stuff and your life is still a mess, try being illogical. Try being thankful for everything you’ve got.

Including the mess.

And you’ll find, just as I have, that indeed there is a miracle in every mess.

Charles Burke is the author of Command More Luck, the book that shows you why all those things keep happening to you. Learn why “luck” doesn’t work the way you’ve always been told. Not even close. The bad news — There’s no such thing as luck. The good news — There’s something even better. Learn how it works at www.moreluck.com

It was nearly 1:00 a.m. in the midst of a particularly ruthless
poker game on the first Thanksgiving weekend I spent with my
husband’s family. That’s when I uttered the words I’m sure I’ll
never live down. It was one of those moments when you wish the
world provided a rewind button to allow you to opt out of an
experience you would rather forget.

During the delicate “get to know you” phase with my in-laws, I
had made a memorable first impression by spending most of the
evening carting around an enormous block of cheese from a now
defunct dairy in Wisconsin. I always specify the
“now-defunctness” of this dairy because if I don’t, I get scads
of inquiries asking where people might find this one-of-a-kind
cheese. Cheese, I’ve found, is one of the great unifiers of
modern society. The sad truth is you can’t buy this cheese any
more, which proves my point that it’s absolutely critical to
savor pleasurable experiences while you have the chance!

In any case, on the night in question, as I sliced another
paper-thin piece of this dairy delicacy and held it to my
tongue, I innocently thought to myself, “This cheese makes me
happy.” It proved to be one of those awkward moments when you
realize you have just audibly shared thoughts that you intended
for your own internal enjoyment. I stared down at the table. And
then at the cheese. And then, ever so begrudgingly, I looked up
at my future in-laws.

Feeling a bit horrified and infinitely self-conscious, I
reluctantly met their gazes. Every last bloodshot, poker-worn
eye stared blankly at me for one very long, painfully quiet
moment. And then the room exploded in laughter. After that,
every time I showed even the slightest fondness for anything
new, one of my loving new family members would ask, “Yes, but
does it make you as happy as that cheese?”

Embarrassment and life-long torment aside, what I now realize is
that this culinary ego-crashing adventure was actually a form of
one of the healthier ways to increase pleasure and happiness in
the present moment. Yes, science has a respectable name for what
I now refer to as “the unfortunate cheese incident.” Positive
psychology experts like Martin Seligman (author of Authentic
Happiness) call it “savoring,” and they say that it is a good
thing. Thank goodness I have science to back me up here.

The great thing about savoring is that it’s easy to do and it’s
absolutely free. What could be better than something free and
easy? Except maybe a gigantic brick of creamy cheese. Ok, enough
about the cheese and on to the practical steps. Here’s how to
enhance your life by savoring:

- Learn how to savor. Savoring is all about being in the moment,
so stop everything else you’re doing-even if only for 30
seconds-and really focus on an experience you’re having. For
instance, try immersing yourself in that first cup of coffee or
tea in the morning (or at least the first couple of sips)-enjoy
the scent, the heat, the taste and the memories you associate
with it. Filter out all other senses and focus exclusively on
this one…what do you notice? Being in the moment enhances
pleasure in more ways than you’ll ever know.

- Make a daily habit of savoring. Once you’ve mastered the
savoring skill, identify one activity or opportunity each day to
savor with abandon. Consider both ordinary and special
events-savoring the smell of morning dew on the grass can be
just as powerful and potent as the smell of success that comes
from a new promotion. Savor a range of delights.

- Space out your pleasures. Too much of a good thing
is…well…too much of a good thing. Our synapses crave novelty
and our nerves like newness. That’s why it’s important to
experience different types of pleasures all the time and to
space them out over time. This is why a massage feels best if
you haven’t had one in a while and why your favorite CD gives
you more chills if it’s been a month since you’ve listened to
it. So mix it up and keep it fresh…keep those pleasures coming
at random intervals.

- Try your hand at collective savoring. Pleasures can be
dramatically heightened when they’re shared with others. A
fabulous meal just tastes better when you’re sharing it with
someone else, and a walk through a beautiful park takes your
breath away with a fun companion at your side.

- Don’t stop at savoring. Savoring is a step in the right
direction, but it’s only one element of joyful living.
Strategies like practicing gratitude, seeking flow experiences,
and weaving more laughter and silliness into your life are all
contributors to enduring happiness. Build up your toolkit for
the life of your dreams by trying all of these strategies, and
watch them enhance both your quality of life now and your
opportunity for a lifetime of joy and fulfillment.

NOTE: You are welcome to use this article online in electronic
newsletters and e-zines as long as it remains complete and
unaltered (including the “about the author” info). If use of
this article is desired in print, you must first contact Deanna
Davis at Deanna@appliedinsight.net

Copyright 2005 Deanna R. Davis, PhD

Copyright 2005 Writer’s Eye Advisory Service

For really busy days, it’s nice to be able to journal on
something small. It makes it easier to keep up with daily
activities, if you keep some 3×5 cards nearby and jot notes on
them. I can remember not liking index cards in school, because
they always reminded me of Dewey decimal system and finishing
school reports on time. However, in college index cards became
my ally in keeping track of my off-topic thoughts during college
lectures. It made it so much easier, when I could jot something
down, so I wouldn’t forget it and still keep up with class. Now,
I can make a mini—journal with these cards. Or I write some of
my articles on cards, making sure to keep them in order. When I
get home, I can put the article into it’s computer file or in an
envelope and tape it into my journal. I also keep track of
business ideas when I’m showing my jewelry, so that I don’t lose
track of changes I need to make or credit myself for the great
work I did. So read on for instructions on how to create your
own mini-journal.

PURCHASE INDEX CARDS: My favorite index cars are 3 x 5 ruled
with neon colors. These colors are bright and bold, not like
their paler counterparts. You may also create your own cards
from collage materials, such as pictures, stationery or other
material that you can write an entry on. Use your imagination.
You can even use plain white unruled cards. It’s up to you what
materials you use. I only suggest that you keep the size
consistent or your journal will look a bit asymmetrical.

TYPE OF ENTRY: I would suggest picking one of the following
exercises for your mini-journal: write list(s), reminder phrases
or sentences, prayer(s), a short doodle, a poem, lyrics, an
image(s), your accomplishments, your feelings, a five-minute
dialogue, or other valuable information. You can also create
your own journal exercises, by combining some from this list or
creating totaling unique exercises. After you have read a
variety of other’s journal exercises, it becomes easier to
imagine and create your own.

CHOOSE A TOPIC(S): Pick a topic that is short. You can always
add more index cards as you expand your topic. You decorate one
side of this first card like a collage, then start you entry on
the other side. Remember to number your pages, they will stay in
better order, until you are ready to put them all together.

WRITE YOUR ENTRY: It’s time to write your entry. I’ve given you
several examples of exercises you can use. You can always use
plain text to to write your entry too. You can write on any
topic of interest to you. Here are a few ideas just to get your
started: talk about your pet, home, vacation plans, an important
phone call, your to-do list, laundry list, grocery list or how
you felt after you saw a movie, a recipe, sports scores, goals
and writing ideas. These are just a few of the topics you can
pick. The most important step that you can take now is to write.

CHOOSE A PLACE FOR YOUR INDEX CARDS: Wrap a rubber band around
your cards or put them in an envelope. Make to label and date
them so that you can find them later. You can always put them in
the back of your paper journal or in a desk drawer. I will show
you how to put all of the cards together later on.

PUTTING YOUR MINI-JOURNAL TOGETHER: Put your index cards in the
correct order. Make sure to punch two holes overlapping each
other either in one or the other corners or in the middle of
each card. (You can reinforce the corners with small bit of
masking tape). Open up your keyring and slide the cards over it.
Close the keyring and you have your mini-journal. (Note: you can
use other index card sizes and cord, yarn, or string to bind
your cards together, just make sure that the material you choose
is strong and will last.)

Enjoy your new minijournal!

The outcome of Reason # 2 is that you become your own
worst enemy. That, in turn, leads on to Reason # 3 where

You place more value on doing than being

If you are at war with yourself, chances are you don’t
like yourself very much. How many other people who call
you to account, who expect more of you than what you
achieve are on your best friends list? That fact is as
true in your relationship with yourself as it is in your
relationships with other people.

The trouble is, you can distance yourself from others; you
have to live with yourself. So, one of the ways to come
to terms with that reality is to minimise the focus on who
you are (which we have determined you don’t really like)
and increase the focus on what you do.

After all, you can’t do much about who you are (or at
least so you think) but you can choose what it is you want
to do with your life.

There are lots of people who are playing the same game.
How often after being introduced to someone does the
conversation get around to what you do for a living.
In answer to that question, depending on the situation, I
often answer “breathe”.

I get some very strange looks at times! I might then
follow that up with a comment about who I am and how my
understanding of myself finds expression in the type of
work I do. If I meet with a glazed expression from the
other person, (which happens much of the time) invariably
the conversation moves back into ’safe’ territory until he
(it’s most often men who have that response) can find an
reason to excuse himself and move to someone less
challenging.

Ever so occasionally If find someone who responds
positively to my little joke and I have developed long and
respected friendships with many of those people.

What happens when someone asks you about your work
situation is they are looking for where to place you in
their hierarchical structure. And chances are, if you are
not where you would like to be in the world of “doing”
you will make your employment out to be more than it really
is.

For example you might say ” I work in the movie industry”
when you serve behind the counter at the local video hire
store.

On the other hand you’ll find people who will say ” I’m
just a …..” usually followed by ‘housewife’ or ‘mother’ or
some equally significant role that forms the very backbone
of our social fabric. Have you noticed though, that many
women are now ‘playing the game’ and rather than a
‘housewife and mother’ they have become the ‘manager of
domestic affairs for a small business’.

Then, if you are retired, chances, are you are not just
retired, but a “retired accountant” or “bank manager” or
whatever it was you did before you to the point where you
were told you were too old to work

And that, of course, is a large part of the problem. When
your worth is related to what you do, rather than who you
are, it follows that when you no longer do anything (at
least anything considered productive) it follows you are no
longer worth anything.

For someone who achieves their sense of self worth from
doing, retirement or retrenchment is a devastating blow.
Yet no one, at least to my knowledge, in the wisdom that
comes when dying has ever said “I wish I spent more time at
the office”.

Isn’t it interesting that those who are faced with a
shortening of life, function from a totally different
perspective from the rest of us. For those people, it is
in ‘being’ that they find the meaning to life. It is
relationships they treasure the most.

Perhaps the saddest thing of all is that it often takes
something life a life shortening illness for people to find
true perspective and genuine purpose in life.

Graham Hunt is the founder of Prentis Carpenter Center, an organisation established to resource an environment where those people who chose to do so could discover and work towards their potential. One way in which Graham is doing that is through his website http://www.higher-self-esteem-site.com/ Drop by anytime.

“I will lie with my forefathers, and you shall carry me out of
Egypt, and you shall bury me in their grave.” And he (Joseph)
said, “I will do as you say.” And he (Jacob) said , “Swear to
me.” So he swore to him, and Israel prostrated himself on the
head of the bed. (Bereishit - Chapter 47: 30,31)

The Ramban states: Jacob did not suspect that his righteous and
beloved son would disobey his father’s command and renege on the
matter, which he had promised him. Rather Jacob spoke in order
to strengthen the matter in the eyes of Pharaoh, as perhaps he
might not give Joseph permission to leave him… It may be, that
Pharaoh would want the prophet (Jacob) to be buried in his
country as an honor and privilege to them. It was for this
reason that he made him swear, for then it would not be proper
for him to force Joseph to violate his oath. Joseph too would
feel more obligated to fulfill his father’s wish on account of
the oath.’ Such indeed was the case, as Pharaoh said, Go up, and
bury thy father, as he made you swear.

The question on the Ramban is: Why did Joseph need an oath to
feel “more obligated”? Joseph already stated, “I will do as you
say”. Yet we can infer from the end of the Ramban that if Joseph
did not swear he may not have had the fortitude to defy Pharaoh.
Let’s not forget that this was Jacob’s final wish on his
deathbed. Is there any doubt that Joseph would not do everything
in is power to succeed at his father’s final command?

Rav Henach Leibowitz explains that the oath served to give
Joseph the extra energy and push he needed to fulfill the wish
of his father. It is the quality of responsibility which opens
up new and inconceivable possibilities to succeed. Jacob wanted
to make sure that Joseph would have the special abilities of
someone who “must succeed.”

The amazing thing about this is that it is the responsibility
itself which releases the potential to get the job done. This
also means that many failures may have nothing to do with waning
abilities but are simply caused by a lack of care and
responsibly.

Application:

Make of list of two areas of your life where you feel you are
failing. Write down some notes on how you can take more
responsibility in these areas. Complete these sentence stems:

To really succeed in this area I must …

If I believed, I could succeed I would …

The people who succeed in this area …

Do we really need another nature poster in our life? It’s
likely. While a fortunate few of us do have an office or studio
in a natural setting, the fact is, most of us work in an
environment that’s not always ‘natural’.

Yet, I believe that’s what a lot of us are aiming for. Somewhere
in our dreams of how we see our life unfolding, we hold pictures
of us in nature or in a natural environment. This might be a
home farm, studio in the hills, or even an indoor garden,
anywhere where we can get that necessary ‘direct contact’ with
nature.

More and more, research is pointing to the value of ‘direct
contact’ with nature, informing us that it leads to ‘increased
mental health and psychological development’ and explains why
city-dwellers have such an attraction for nature.

Cities do have their place. And yet, when we get out of the city
we start to appreciate nature even more. Nature allows us to
free up our senses more, reduce stress, relax and enjoy the
tranquility of it all.

“Research… shows that a window view of nature (rather than a
built environment)… improves work performance in job settings,
and increases job satisfaction. (This may also help explain the
predominance of posters and picture calendars with nature scenes
on walls of windowless office cubicles.)” - John V Davis

So there you have it. And of course, a nature poster is often
very beautiful to look at, so that’s a positive aspect. We can’t
all be hanging out in national parks or on Antartic ice caps or
on the top of Mount Kilamanjaro. There’s too many of us. For
most of us, the concept of doing such a thing is way too big
anyway.

So next best is to get a visual picture of what we know exists,
what we often find to be profound and truly amazing. Viewing a
nature poster bring us back to a humble, awe like state where
often we can grasp an appreciation for just how magnificent and
incredible we are, and nature is. In fact, it’s one and the
same, but that’s another story
“Nature experiences increase fascination, intrinsic interest,
and enjoyment. The wilderness inspires feelings of awe and
wonder… individuals feel better acquainted with their own
thoughts and feelings, and they feel ‘different’ in some way –
calmer, at peace with themselves, ‘more beautiful on the inside
and unstifled.’ ” - John V Davis

So where were we? Ah that’s right, nature posters. For a moment
then, I was completely zoned out in some beautiful, misty zen
Japanese garden! ‘You can’t get too much of this stuff.’
Obviously we all need it, and it’s a part of us. A nature poster
gives us the ability to connect, to go there, to travel to a
place of wonder and beauty…

I know, it’s just a poster. But surely if it moves us in some
way, be it just briefly, it can motivate us to move towards our
dreams and realization of our goals. A nature poster is
certainly inspiring. How many times have you heard yourself
saying ‘wow I want to do that’ or ‘I want to go there?’

And you can, if you really want to! And just think - we see in
pictures. So by looking at a nature poster can you imagine…
see yourself in a similar environment, doing something you’ve
always wanted to do? Or moving further towards a huge goal or
project that makes you uncomfortable just thinking about its
potential!?

Or of course - just enjoy the sheer pleasure of the moment!

Have fun. And when you come back, let me know!

Like so many people, my career path has been an accident. I was
at the right place at the right time. But when my 40th birthday
approached, I really reflected upon my past accomplishments and
wondered what my future ones would be. As a new mom, I am
constantly inspired by my son. Was there a way I could use the
lessons I have learned from my son to help me figure out my
future goals? I was fascinated when my son learned to walk - he
was so determined and nothing could get in his way and when he
fell he didn’t question himself or criticize himself, he just
kept going. That was when I was struck by the metaphor of baby
steps. If we copied babies actions of learning to walk without
fear of failure, perhaps we can reach our goals?

Building block 1: What are you proud of? What are the ten things
I am most proud of from my childhood? When I asked myself this
question it was filled with things like - winning the doggie
paddle race at age 5; getting the best camper award; being the
first freshman on the varsity basketball team; getting a tennis
scholarship; traveling to more than 8 countries before I was 12;
writing a letter about pollution to President Nixon and getting
a response. (I have the letter framed in my office - ok, so it
was autopen)

Do you see a pattern here? Well, what struck me as funny was
that the things I cared about most as a child: sports, traveling
and the environment are still the things most important to me
now. So if you created a list of the ten things you are the most
proud as a child and as an adult, would you see a pattern?

Building Block 2: What makes you happy? Let’s try another
exercise, what are the ten things that make you the most happy?
And when was the last time you did anything on this list? Do you
make time to do things that make you happy? And if you did do
these things, would you have a sense of accomplishment?

My list always includes dancing. Before my son, I danced salsa
and tango every week. I love to dance. But, my husband doesn’t
dance and since we have a toddler and babysitting is expensive,
we don’t go out that often. Lucky for me, I have a little boy
who loves music, so we dance in the living room almost every
day, twirling and spinning to salsa and rock and roll. Oddly
enough, my son teaches me to take baby steps. He teaches me to
live in the moment and celebrate every step I take - so when I
dance with him in the living room or in the supermarket, I am
doing what makes me happy.

Building Block Three: What are your memorable moments? Another
one of my favorite exercises is to think of a memorable moment
in your life. When I first did this exercise I immediately
remembered my trip to Nepal after the 1992 presidential election
campaign. I trekked for 10 days in the Annapurna range and was
struck by the feeling of stepping back in time - there were no
cars, no electricity, and no toilets. We went to sleep when the
sun went down. I felt so at peace and one with nature. Can you
tell a little about my values from my favorite moment? In less
than two minutes my colleagues said they thought I cared about
the environment, politics, beauty, solitude, culture and travel
to name a few. It was amazing to me how much can be learned from
a memorable moment. So what is your moment? Do you think it
illustrates your true values?

Turning the building blocks into accomplishments All three
exercises are about tapping into your core values and what makes
you happy. In this busy world, sometimes you just need to take a
moment and breathe and remember what’s important. There is the
saying “I will not die an unlived life.” If you take the time to
practice the things that make you proud and happy, you will be
creating the building blocks to have memorable moments all the
time.

Copyright 2005 Peter Dobler

In a relationship, your ability to understand and respond to the
other person’s needs and desires are fundamental. Understanding
the nature of relationships themselves may be as important to
your success in love as understanding the person with whom
you’re having the relationship.

The key to a working relationship is twofold. First you need to
work on a relationship day in and day out. Second you need the
right information to pinpoint where the relationship needs work.
Without this information you’re simply assuming and assumptions
are the enemy to any healthy relationship.

>From puppy love to winter romances, the following is true of all
relationships

1. Relationships Don’t Just Happen

Relationships aren’t accidents that come out of nowhere; you
create them and you have to make an effort to maintain them.
Remember that the time you invest in others will always pay off.

2. Relationships are Need-based.

Everyone has their own personal needs and desires; your job is
to figure out those needs since some may be unexpressed
verbally. Not an easy task, therefore you have to focus on your
partner. Ask how you can respond to a desire that she or he has.

3. Relationships Don’t Hold a Grudge

Despite the use of terms like “perfect match,” and “perfect
couple,” the idea of a perfect relationship is perfectly
ridiculous. We all make mistakes dealing with other people, so
it’s important to be overlooked and/or forgive imperfections in
others in order to build strong relationships.

4. Relationships That Endure Take Time

Relationships are formed with long-term goals in mind. This
means that deep relationships will evolve slowly because the
stakes — a life partner — are so great. In this instance,
“haste makes waste” and divorce…or at least an ugly break-up.

5. Relationships are As Unique as the Folks That Are In ‘Em.

No two people are the same and so no two relationships are the
same. Your relationships will deepen and strengthen, if you can
accept the uniqueness of others as a precious gift.

6. Relationships Build You Up.

“My partner brings out the best in me,” is the way most people
define the partner that they love. Relationships are built on
encouragement, so always try to make your partner feel good,
even if you’re urging them beyond their comfort zone to a new
level of intimacy.

7. Relationships Are Essential.

It may be a dog eat dog world out there, but man is still a
“pack animal,” looking for positive healthy relationships. Once
you understand that nothing is more important than people,
you’ll communicate that supportive message in everything you do.

8. Relationships Are For Two.

There is no such thing as a one-person relationship. For a
relationship to thrive it requires cooperation from both
parties, otherwise it’s unrequited love (at best) and stalking
(at worst). You can’t have a relationship with someone who isn’t
interested in having one with you.

9. Relationships are Greater Than the Sum of Their Parts.

In good relationships there is energy — your energy and your
partners. This energy pushes each of you to strive to make the
relationship work as individuals, and it also drives you to a
shared excellence.

Armed with these rules you should be able to create and maintain
a healthy relationship. Some caution on this topic. Just because
you live and breathe these rules doesn’t mean that your
relationship will be better or a broken relationship will be
fixed. Every situation is unique and requires different
approaches. Use these rules as a guide and as a guide only.

Unfortunately a small article can’t do justice on the wide
spectrum of creating and maintaining a working relationship. You
will get the complete picture and step by step explanations in
Race Kale’s new book “The Power of Charisma”.

I just love watching the Olympics, witnessing the numerous feats
of athleticism, skill, courage, endurance and passion. Athletes
have to hone their bodies as well as their minds and, on the
day, it is often the individual who has greatest control over
their mind that wins. Major championships are always dramatic
and what occurred during the Pairs Figure Skating Programme in
the 2006 Winter Olympics at the Turino Palavela was certainly
that.

The last couple to skate was Xhang and Xhang from China, one of
three pairs of Chinese skaters in this particular contest.
Totomania and Marinin from Russia had produced a sublime
performance and were tipped for gold. For Xhang and Xhang to
succeed in their quest for the major prize their skating would
have to be impeccable as well as encapsulating the difficult
technical elements such as the quad jump where the skater makes
four revolutions mid-air. This is a situation where potential
does not come into the equation - only what you do on the
occasion can be marked and with the new scoring system this was
never more the case.

It wasn’t that long ago that the quad jump was executed for the
first time in competition and now, just like what followed when
Roger Bannister broke the 4min mile barrier in 1954, any skater
of merit has a quad jump in their bag of tricks. When we see
skaters gliding seemingly effortlessly over the ice we forget
just how technical, acrobatic and even dangerous much of what
they are doing is.

In pairs skating one of the required elements is a throw jump.
Imagine being tossed into the air, whipping yourself around a
few times with feet and body perfectly aligned and then touching
down for a flawless landing.

For a chance at the gold medal, Xhang and Xhang had to go for
broke. The opening moments of their routine included a throw
jump involving a quad Salchow. Xhang performed the quad but
couldn’t control the landing. She ended in an awkward box split,
twisting and banging her left knee in the process. If that
sounds painful, imagine how it must have felt! With her legs
splayed and still out of control she crashed into the barriers.
Apart from feeling empathy for the pain Xhang must have felt as
she crash-landed one could not help but also feel sympathy for
this skater so graceful one second and then sprawled on the ice,
like a fledgling learning the rudiments of flight, the next. The
audience gasped and the British commentator Barry Davies said
resignedly:

“…Tough on them because they are going to end with nothing and
she clearly is in considerable pain…What a shame!”

Xhang was in obviously discomfort. If she didn’t continue the
programme she and her partner would walk away with nothing yet
if she did skate she risked permanent injury. There was a brief
consultation with their coach but no medical treatment. It felt
as though time stood still as Xhang continued to move gingerly
around the ice watched anxiously by her concerned partner. Then
to everyone’s surprise the skaters moved into position to resume
their performance. The usually eloquent Barry Davies was
incredulous:

“Surely not! Surely not! They would have to pick up from where
they left off. Have I got that right? I don’t see how they can.
I don’t see how they can.” His voice trailed off.

Fellow commentator Robin Cousins, obviously flummoxed, was slow
to respond.

“I’m speechless actually because I can’t believe that does not
hurt to the point where she can’t perform. This is a skater that
has a career ahead of her that could risk further damage by
performing on it [knee].”

But this was the Olympics and you don’t walk away from an
Olympic dream. The pair did literally pick up from where they
left off and as their music restarted the audience erupted with
applause for this plucky skater.

The rest of the programme went without any major hitches
including the second of their compulsory throw jumps. Xhang
continued to hide the pain she must have been experiencing. When
the pair finished skating the audience were on their feet. While
Xhang and Xhang awaited their scores she finally received
initial first-aid treatment. The knee was strapped and more of
that ice that had been her downfall minutes ago was applied.
Fortunately, although she was limping around the Olympic village
the following day, Xhang is expected to make a full recovery.

Xhang and Xhang took silver behind the Russian pair, Totomanina
and Marinin, knocking team-mates Shen and Zhao into third place
and knocking team-mates Pang and Tong out of the medals
altogether.

Nothing worthwhile is easy. You’ve got to aim high. You will
make mistakes but when you fall (as opposed to “fail”) get up,
brush yourself off and try again. The bounty is great for those
with the courage and perseverance to see things through to the
end. Also, don’t let your emotions get in the way. Despite her
pain Xhang remained composed and focused. She kept her eye
firmly on the prize and she and her partner were duly awarded
the silver medal. And, what’s more remarkable about this tale is
that a few weeks ago the pair hadn’t even been thinking of being
at the Olympics. Persevere; you are but a moment away from
greatness.

I was talking to one of my coaching clients and she was talking about not being able to stay with a meditation practice, so she gave up meditating altogether. “I’m either gung ho all the way or I don’t show up at all,” she said in disgust. We were talking on an evening when she “hadn’t shown up at all.” She had washed dishes instead. You would have thought she had mutilated small children. And gauging the self-attack that followed, I don’t think that meditation would have helped. The Dalai Lama, himself would have had to have shown up and told her it was no big deal. And I bet he would have given her one of those big goofy, freedom-filled smiles.

I understand the desire to make changes in your life and I applaud them heartily. But I invite you to be inconsistent and unreliable. I dare you to break promises to yourself and I dare you to make new ones. This is the courageous path of learning to grow, love and trust yourself…and to keep dancing into the life you desire, no matter what.

To me, there’s beauty, intelligence and grace in showing up lopsided, showing up fitfully, showing up sporadically. Showing up is showing up. The dream-basher in you pushes you into airtight commitments. But real change is about breathing, coming in and going out. Daring to live your calling is a path of invitation, not interrogation.

My favorite poet Rumi, an absurdly free and brilliant spirit, writes:

“Come, come whoever you are, wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving

it doesn’t matter,

Ours is not a caravan of despair

Come, even if you have broken your vow a hundred times

Come, come again.”

A Course in Miracles echoes this same philosophy by telling us to “choose once again,” whenever we have made a choice that has felt painful. It doesn’t say beat yourself up bloody, give up, throw in the towel, recount how many other things you’ve given up on. It asks us to save time and just begin again, choose the new behavior or belief now, let go of the past, and give birth to a different experience this very minute.

When I first began writing, I had an awful time with myself. I’d come up with all kinds of perfectly devised writing schedules for myself and then avoid or blow every one of them. I’d be furious with myself, convinced I was never going to be able to accomplish anything. I’d feel miserable and pathetic. But finally I did make huge progress as a writer. Not by setting up a better writing program. But through learning to love, comfort, and coax myself into action. In This Time I Dance!, I wrote that “Only the tender can breed the fierce.” This was so opposite to my initial thinking. Like my non-meditating client, I thought that if I had “misbehaved,” I needed a bigger stick, not an extra chocolate bar. But my guidance then, as now, reflected, “Be even kinder to yourself when you feel fear. Love, not anger, inspires right action.” And it was true. Part of me avoided writing because I was afraid to face myself. And only gentleness inspired more encounters.

Sometimes, we have an ill-advised idea of what showing up looks like. In the creative life, many people confuse rigidity with purity. But remember the creative personality might have many loves and devotions. And this is not distraction or avoidance. This is self-expression. When I lived in the mountains and was writing my book, I came into the city all the time to teach classes and to hang out at coffeehouses and secretly relish urban noise and stimulus. One person in a writing group said “If you were serious about that book, you’d just stay in the mountains and write.” I anguished over this comment for a long time.

But his puritan approach would have sucked the life out of me. I needed to make a living in the city and I enjoyed my urban escapades. I wanted both lives. Likewise, I have clients who are parents–who are not only going to sculpt or work on a sales brochure for their business. Another part of their lives is going to soccer practice and picking up Cheerios and bananas. They are not abandoning their passions. They are claiming more of them.

Focus on the behaviors you wish to encourage, not the other choices. If you are trying to lose weight, don’t agitate over your failure of will on the third day of your program. Celebrate the 2 days of enthusiasm and motivation. Only the wins countif you want to win. In 12 step lingo, “It’s all about progress, not perfection.”

I know the sticklers will tell you that taking one exercise class won’t help or spending one hour with your camera, but I disagree. Every act of love for yourself–makes a difference. That one time can boost your self-esteem and increase the likelihood that you’ll return. Go ahead, stumble into grace. Start and stop a million times. Get there late and leave early. Whatever it takes. So what, if in a linear world they call you erratic? In this world you are a daring hopscotch queen, a creative explorer, a traveler on a caravan of joy, and that works just fine, because you’re moving in the right direction.

Tama J. Kieves, an honors graduate of Harvard Law School, left her law practice with a large corporate law firm to write and to embolden others to live and breathe their most meaningful self-expression. A leading alternative career coach and best-selling author of THIS TIME I DANCE! Trusting the Journey of Creating the Work You Love / How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All! (©2003 Tarcher/Penguin), Tama devotes her dynamic energy to life/work coaching and to facilitating workshops and retreats throughout the country. For more than a decade, she has helped thousands of individuals unleash their creativity and their callings. Founder of Awakening Artistry, an organization dedicated to creating a global family of creative and visionary minds, her inspiring work has frequently been featured on T.V., radio, and in national publications. Learn more about Tama’s workshops and coaching or sign up to receive her free inspirational e-zine at http://www.AwakeningArtistry.com