Students Of Success

We all want great relationships but they seem so elusive. What
can you to strengthen yours? The key is communication, but try
taking it up a notch. Communicate at all levels with your
partner – emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

Make time for communication with your partner, and remember that
the greatest gift you can give someone else is to listen to
them. Here are some tips for listening with love.

GIVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

This means look at your partner, quiet background noise, and rid
your mind of distractions. Don’t be thinking about your day, or
thinking about what you’re going to say – next, or ever. Just
still your mind, and make it receptive for taking in what the
other person has to say.

ASK ABOUT FEELINGS

Ask you partner how they’re feeling, but include all levels –
emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. This will help them
get in touch with their center, and will also bring you closer
to know how they’re feeling in all areas.

INDICATE WITH NONVERBAL EXPRESSIONS THAT YOU ARE GENUINELY
INTERESTED

In doing this, you will generate interest. It’s not always easy
to listen to what your partner has to say. You may have heard
this, or another version, many times before. Often we have
recurring things at work, for instance, that we need to talk
about. Maintain active eye contact, add “uh huh” or “really?” or
“oh my” from time-to-time, and try your best to keep still.
Fidgeting may not mean you’re not interested, but it may be
taken that way.

Learn to express love and concern on your face. It’s very
important. This is natural when you look at your baby, for
instance. Your heart melts … your eyes soften … you can’t help a
big smile. Give this gift to your partner. Show that you love
them. It’s in the eyes, first and foremost.

It’s also nice to add, “I love you,” or “I enjoy listening to
you talk.” These reassurances are loving, and can’t be overused.

MAKE IT YOUR PARTNER’S TIME TO TALK

It’s better if you can take turns. This will allow your partner
the time to talk it out completely, without you feeling the
pressure to get on to your turn, and your concerns. In a good
relationship, you can be sure your turn will come.

DO “TALK STORY”

This is a Polynesian term for a special kind of communication
between two lovers. It means the couple sets aside a special
time and one partner just talks and talks until they are
through. It can go on for quite a long time. The other person
just listens. This is harder than it may sound at first, but you
can develop the habit, and it will greatly enrich your
relationship.

It’s similar to “free associating,” because the speaker can
count on not being corrected, judged, interrupted, or even
really commented upon. This is amazingly freeing, healing, and
amazingly hard to come by. It allows the speaker to get to the
heart of the matter, and his or her feelings, and learn all
sorts of things.

MANAGE TIME

Time is a crucial element to loving communication. We are under
so much time pressure these days, our serious conversations can
be squeezed in between changing diapers, taking out the garbage,
and getting the dinner dishes done. We often feel rushed to
hurry up and say what we have to say, and we listen the same
way, unconsciously sending out the vibes that we hope our
partner will just hurry up and get it said because we have to
catch our favorite television show, or get to sleep because we
have a big meeting in the morning.

The other person can sense when we’re listening this way, and it
defeats the purpose of Talk Story.

A good way to do this is lying side-by-side, on the bed, a
hammock, a blanket under the stars, a sailboat! It is “just”
talking and one of the most healing things a person can do. The
other person just listens, without making comments or judgments.

LEARN TO LOVE THE SILENCES

Between two people who are intimate, silence can be a very
special place. They are often the prelude to very important
sharing.

For one thing, it is rarely tolerated in casual conversation, so
it is special just in itself. Being able to sit with the silence
of your partner will allow them to look more deeply within, and
bring up what it is they need to talk about. Don’t rush them by
feeling the need to “fill air time.” Allowing empty space is a
great gift you can give one another. Give them permission to
take their time, and to fill the silence when and if they’re
ready.

Good communication between two partners involves talking and
listening. A lot more has been written on the art of talking.
Remember that the listening, and the silences, are equally
important.